Purpose.

I'm not saying we're here for a specific purpose or that life is a wonderful miracle. I don't want to project an image of myself as someone very philosophical or anything like that. I like people to know I have thoughts, though. I find it somewhat satisfying that someone could be interested in the things in my head.

So, I've been going to Taekwon Do every day that I can (it only runs Thursdays and Fridays but some Fridays I go home to see my family) and I can feel myself getting stronger and faster. This is a good change, certainly. It feels like I am achieving something.
For years and years I felt pressure to be thin and to never lose my temper and to be helpful to people all the time, but then I realised that thin is not necessarily healthy and keeping your cool all the time is virtually inhuman, there have to be some things that annoy you, sometimes, and sometimes it's okay not to lend others a hand and to just have some time to yourself. I think everybody needs that.

I've been reading a lot recently, and I found this, which is interesting. I don't think being married is anything different than being in a relationship, but that's not the significance of it. I was particularly interested in point seven on that list, because quite frankly it's not a burden worrying about someone and being young and carefree doesn't go hand in hand, completely, with being alone. Again, I'm not trying to project an image of philosophy; nor am I saying that everybody simply must have someone to be with (come on! Nobody NEEDS a boyfriend, it's not a concept you should view in that way, in my opinion). My relationship does cause me some worry, of course; I care about Pat very much, and I do worry a bit sometimes. But he makes life a lot more bearable when I've had a terrible day (don't think, honey, that I merely use you to make myself feel better).

But yes, purpose. My purpose in life has never been set, but rather quite loosely defined as what I find important at that moment. At this time I'm interested in learning about Law (good thing, that) and improving my Taekwon Do skills.

Recently, I have been reading this blog. It's written by a man whose younger son has autism, and it documents, to an extent, what effect this has had on family, and general, life. I have a cousin with autism and there is a whole huge area of grey in my knowledge about the condition, though I know the basics-  that it's lifelong, incurable, and prevents normal social interaction to an extent. But I must say that the man's child has high-functioning autism, which is not as severe at what my little cousin has. I say "has" and not "suffers from" because, as horrible as it may sound, I really think he doesn't care all that much, but we do, and it affects the lives of my mother's side of the family quite extensively. I have had to, in the past (and we're talking five years ago) literally pull other children off my cousin. Bullies can be cruel. He doesn't understand how awful they're being either.

But A (his name genuinely starts with that letter, I'm not initial-ing him autistic) isn't who I'm worried about, it's his older brother, T. I love T a huge amount, and the sadness I feel for his predicament is something I will never cease to bear. He not only has almost no support and praise from his parents but also must deal with, every day and night for the rest of his life, the fact his younger brother has autism. It will always be a part of his mind. I worry for him, this once promising and bright child, whose personality, aspirations and livelihood have dulled under the weight of his burden. At twelve (now) he is expected to fully understand his brother's condition and deal with it as well as his parents do (they don't, really). T was a very bright child, and I mean that; he learnt to read analogue clocks before I did, and I had six years on him. I was genuinely jealous at one point. But now? Now, I feel anger and pity. Anger that he was wasted, ignored, left to almost raise himself. He has to eat what his brother eats, which isn't much. He has to live around his brother. He has to work around the entire situation, and believe me, A is quite the situation.

I would never say it is A's fault, but he can be very challenging to deal with. Partly, he has autism. Partly, he's a complete bastard because his parents have let him grow to always get what he wants. As a result my favourite cousin (sorry all other cousins) has completely lost the light in his life. He did badly in school last year. He can't bring friends home. He has no escape. Secondary school is a car journey from his house and during that journey I can bet you anything there is either silence or lectures revolving around A. Or T's lack of performance. How do you expect him to do well if you won't help? He's not an adult, you control him as his parents, to some extent. You let his little brother break his things and ruin his stuff and you blame it on autism or on him, and you're going to have an unhappy child.

As a result, I've resolved to write him a little book. Of my thoughts. Of what I feel. Of how I want to help. Of how everything is unfair and I see that and how mum and I have secret plans to steal him away for a day and we'll do whatever the hell he wants all day and he can eat and sleep and just not give a care that his little brother is autistic, for one day. Removing the burden. And hopefully he'll see that there are people who think he's not getting as much individual time and love as he deserves.

I'd genuinely not mind if he went to live with my mum, although it would be difficult. I'd love to see him more. I want his mobile number so we can text without his mum knowing; it'd be difficult but I'm sure there's a way.  My purpose is to write my little cousin a book to make him a little bit less miserable this Christmas, because it quite literally (I think it's the stress of thinking of being in that situation) makes my heart hurt when I imagine him all bored and upset and alone in that house, every day.

If you have any comments, please send them to me here. I'd love to read them.

Happy reading, folks!!