A different kind of challenge (a.k.a why I am poor and happy)

Hi again,

I realised it's been a while again (nothing near as long as the last "while", but still) and thought I'd update you a little bit as to what's happening, what's not happening (ahem, SURGERY, so far, still a long way off), and my mindset.

Last time I wrote, I was pretty much whining about this and that but explaining it's not the end of the world for me. I've been brought up never to assume, so for me to turn around and tell you I expect bright things around the corner would be, well, bullshit. I don't expect anything to make its way to me - I'm going out and finding it instead.

New place/living space
Firstly, I found and moved into somewhere new, because my old tenancy ended and I needed to stay in this city to work. To say it was difficult to find a place is both truth and lies ( a half-truth, I suppose), because I really limited myself for a long time by saying I wouldn't rent any place more than £425, and with the amount of storage space I need (it's not my stuff, I'm holding it for someone!!), that wasn't going to cut it.

Essentially what ended up happening was that I moved home for a week, but still commuted to work and to view the new place. This took six hours out of my day and was incredibly tiring, not to mention expensive, so you can imagine a week was MORE than enough time for me to appreciate living away from my original home!

New quietness
I was actually living with someone before, and that someone is now thousands of miles away, so things are much quieter and I find myself spending a lot more time out of the house. I'm particularly getting back into exercising, though in all honesty my back still isn't great so I'm a bit limited at the moment.

I'm having to really push it at work to get the hours I need to pay rent, and though the job isn't hell, it can be unnecessarily stressful, so to come back to an empty room isn't always pleasant when I really want to just whine. In a way though, it's a different and quite humbling experience to be completely on my own for the first time.

I have to budget very carefully for food and be careful with myself so I can keep going to work and pay for the things I need. Work actually allows me one "break" per shift, and provides a little food and drink in that time, but I'm learning to save it for the end of the shift. Today I spent ten minutes appreciating an Americano. It might sound a bit silly until you know that that came after eight miles of cycling deliveries in the rain.

Yesterday was the turning point when I realised I had to be careful. I was eating my 'saved' break and running for the bus, and I threw the last quarter away to run better (genuinely, sprinting), but the bus wouldn't stop, so I missed it - and then all I could think about was the food I'd just thrown away and how I couldn't afford more for the day, and it was a horrible moment.

Today I spent about an hour at the end of my shift with a coffee and a sandwich because honestly, having that makes me so happy! I also had a few strawberries in the fridge at home and a couple weren't ripe, so I left them on my windowsill in the sun to ripen and had them when I came home today.

"I never needed a lot of the things I thought were necessary"

And I've realised this is all I need to be happy now, and it's an odd kind of bliss, but being careful and really appreciating my time and my food is helping me. I'm trying to spend as little money as possible and it's teaching me that I never needed a lot of the things I thought were necessary. I've re-read old books and re-watched old films in the last couple of days and now I'm in a more relaxed state of mind and I can focus on reaching little goals rather than trying to overreach.

Happy Reading, folks!

I took six months away from blogging and my life changed completely.

Hi peeps!

Hope you're all good and well and enjoying your various lives. I've been thinking about blogging again for a little while and thought that, actually, given people are wondering what's going on, I'd do well to explain myself after such an impromptu absence.

Illness

Firstly, I've been ill pretty much since my last post and it's been getting me down, and I didn't want to share that with anyone for a while. Back in September/November, I was very stressed at uni, taking eighteen hour days or longer and not getting enough sleep. I started falling asleep in class and never being able to concentrate, and eventually I got kind of weirdly weak and was having trouble walking or doing anything, really, so I missed some lectures (and I fell asleep in all lectures I went to). I went to the doctor and they said I might be anaemic, but I really wasn't feeling up to a blood test (I know it sounds stupid, but I felt weak and terrible already and I didn't want one), so I started eating a little more, particularly meat, and felt better. My flatmates were all really lovely and supportive through that time and helped me feel a lot better as well.

I had a 'blip' in November when I ended up in hospital from the stress I'd put myself under, and started realising that getting better physically (and mentally) and grappling with uni work were not synonymous, simultaneous or reasonable as a personal goal.

By December, I'd lost a lot of weight and I just felt ready to give up, plus I just couldn't stay up and out of bed enough to do work although I was a lot better than my November self. Going home for Christmas and still having tons of work to do was soul-destroying, there was a lot I hadn't done from first semester and I still had a lot of coursework I had to get in for right after the holidays, so I half-heartedly managed it, but I didn't do a good job and just working was very depressing. I sort of began drinking more, not hard since I barely drank before, but I didn't like how that was going so I pulled myself out of it.

After Christmas

Coming back to uni in January felt forced and I was having trouble walking or sitting again, but it wasn't anything to do with diet. I kept getting back pains, something I've had for years but never really paid attention to before. Anyway, it got so bad I couldn't sleep, let alone get up in the morning or walk, and I stopped going to lectures and spoke to my academic advisor about it, as well as doctors and my parents.

I got a chest infection that wouldn't shift and was ordered home for a week, where I wasn't allowed to leave the house and my mum pretty much forced bedrest on me. After two days the pain in my back was unbearable and coming back to Oxford, I felt different; my priorities changed.

I stopped going to university. I stopped studying. I took five or six weeks to sit around, do the things I wanted and see more doctors, all of whom looked at my back and said the same thing: you have scoliosis. It's treatable. Here are some painkillers (I hate painkillers). I am officially no longer a student.

Changes (am... Am I a real adult now?)

I got a full-time job, because my parents (who have very generously been paying for my accommodation until now) said they wouldn't if I wasn't studying, so I had eight weeks to make enough to pay rent of £1200 and pay for my food and anything else I needed. My job isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life, but it gets me where I need to go for now, and it lets me do a lot of different things, like work in a bakery and make deliveries by bike, which are good things because they mean I'm moving about. As soon as I stop moving my body begins to hurt, so I'm standing up, walking around, cycling and even trying to run, and my body is starting to feel a bit better. This is a different kind of stress, one that doesn't follow me home or invade my dreams.

Treatment!!

My face looks weird at the moment, and I am SUPER self-conscious about it. I think about it probably 25% of the time. I'm nearing my surgery date (I tell people who ask about it that they're going to break my face, that's pretty much it - I'll be having double jaw surgery to correct my underbite in Summer, hopefully). My teeth hurt, My jaw hurts, My head hurts, because I still have braces, but in a year's time it should all be done with.

I'm excited to finally look better/normal, to be honest!

I also am waiting on treatment for my back, which is bent and twisted where it shouldn't be! Yes, this is painful, and yes, it gets in the way of my mobility. It is one of the reasons I halted my studies and I believe it was the right choice because I am happier and healthier than I could ever have been had I stayed at uni.

Happy reading, folks!

Victoria Jane

I need your help.

Hi folks, sorry it's been so long. It's nearly half three in the morning here and I'm tired, but this is when I think.

Hope you all had a good summer/winter (depending where you are). Summer in the UK was unbearably hot for about three weeks, then there was a HUGE thunderstorm with lots of lightning and things sort of reverted to normal.

So, back before Christmas, I was having trouble getting out of moods. I thought it might just be the weather (cold, rain, nastiness). It kind of went away a bit at Christmas because I was pretty busy. We had my cousins and my aunt over for Christmas lunch. As a slight tangent, my uncle died less than a week before Christmas. It was hell, it was a horrible situation, and it was odd. Not odd because he passed away (he was very ill), but odd because I wasn't sad for me at all. I was, and am, sad for my cousin, Tom.

Tom is thirteen. He was twelve, on the cusp of adolescence and about to need the one person who suddenly wasn't there. I've been constantly stressed about his mental and physical state for years (will explain in a moment), but obviously this is a major event for anyone to handle-particularly a child. He was quiet at the funeral. No tears. No facial expressions. Nothing. It's like he's gone. I remember when he was younger and actually had a personality. Imagine knowing someone, and then seeing them and who they are is gone.

So, back on track, the moods stayed for a while and then were forced away by exams and revision. I do this thing where, to deal with stress, I work. So that was dandy.

After exams, however, it kind of crept back. It's been four months since exams now and I seem to be getting further and further into this sort of hole.

I'm not talking about being sad, I'm talking about feeling like there's literally nothing I can do any more. Nothing. I feel like being away at uni, while fun and what I wanted to do for a long time, it isn't what I need to do.

What I need to do is look after Tom. That is what is keeping me alive. All I think about is being able to take him away from my aunt. My aunt, Linda, who feeds him the same food every day, because that's what his brother wants. Makes him do things because his brother wants to. Gives his brother the things we bring especially for him. He is so miserably pale and thin, and weak... and cold. Physically and emotionally, he's like a husk, a shell of a person. Everything revolves around his brother. His brother has autism. I know that's slightly debilitating, but Linda treats Adam like he's this golden boy who does no wrong. He ripped up some of Tom's stuff? "Accident".

On the way to their dad's funeral, Adam wouldn't turn down his TWO leappads. He is eleven. Tom took one off him to turn it down (which was what Linda had requested) and she hit him for it. And told him to behave.

The week before last, she blamed Adam's bad mood on Tom, saying Tom's eczema was to blame. He has eczema because he's constantly stressed and not fed ANY variety.

What I'm trying to say is, I want to save him. I have to. I love him like a brother, almost like a son. And I can't adopt him for another two years at least. I just watch him withering away, inside and out, day in, day out.

And I'm useless. I just watch it. I watch his manipulative brother and his stupid, myopic mother. And I see nobody paying attention to his needs. I see nobody seeing him. I see a boy who, every time he does exercise, he passes out. I see a boy my height but half my weight. I'm not overweight. He looks dead. He literally looks dead.

I'm scared. I'm terrified he's going to die, and he'll just slip away, and Linda will get away with having not looked after him properly. I'm scared I'll be too late to help him! I just cry and cry, every day.

What if I can't get to him in time? What if I can't help? I don't want him to go into care, I want to keep him and see him and know that he's safe, and maybe even happy. There's no light in his eyes. I think he's being killed.

What the hell do I do? Please, if anybody reads this and has suggestions, PLEASE just help me. 

That's all for now.

Exams are over... And so to work (I hope)

Hey there everybody,
Sorry for not posting. I was a) busy b) stressed and c) tired (Yes, this is a multiple choice, and yes, you may pick more than one answer).

Exams went quite badly. Thankfully, not all of this was my fault. I'll quickly explain the various problems before we digress onto more fun things!

Firstly, the Legal Method exam, 0930 on May 8th. Opening that exam was like receiving a very hard punch to the chest. We were given a case to pre-read (two weeks in advance) and to use in the exam for quotes and such. The exam being split into two parts, the case featured in all questions in part B. The exam's part A was loosely connected to the case. Part A was five 3mk (three mark) questions.

Part B, which we initially could not start, let alone complete, was a 5mk, a 15mk, and two 20mk questions. A small mercy was the fact that the first three questions could be attached to any case as they asked general things such as what the ratio decidendi (reason for deciding) was, but the last question was completely impossible. Imagine trying to climb Ben Nevis or Everest with no previous experience. You have been training for a competition. Your coach sets you cycling challenges. Now you're faced with a mountain instead and nothing you've learnt can help you. That's how that exam felt.

Also, and of no less (possibly of more) importance, we were told we would get extra time as many of us could not do the questions, and about an hour into the two hour exam we were then told there would be no extra time. Fun fun.

This event has completely rocked our confidence in the exams system at our uni. But! Next!

The second exam
This was Tort. It went quite well. I think it could have gone better but then I tend to miss things out when I get nervous.

The third exam
Public Law (formerly Constitutional and Administrative Law) also went pretty well, though I chose three essay questions and therefore sacrificed my hand (poor thing, it was all seized up at the end). What made this exam better was that it was an afternoon exam (excellent as I'm actually fully awake) and that Mario walked around the room for the first three minutes we were being seated. It was great and it really diffused the tension.

The fourth and final exam
I know I didn't do all that well here, on account of being very tired (exams 2, 3 and 4 were on consecutive days) and generally being too nervous again. Which I despise. Hopefully things will go better next year.


But! Until then, I'm updating my CV today and I'm going to try and get a job so that I can earn some money to help pay rent for next year. That's pretty much all I want to do this summer aside from pre-read for next year (the books arrive on June 14th and I'm looking forward to getting started because I'll be really bored otherwise. This year I have four months' holiday and there's not much else to do besides work to help ease off the stress for next year).

Phew!!

Happy reading, folks.

PS any CV tips would be most appreciated.

Thoughts... And a story

Yodel-o, folks, I'm sorry it's been such a long time.

I've had all manner of work to be getting on with, including a nice piece of coursework (which took quite a long time and I'm proud of it so no regrets there). I've also finished lectures for the year and am revising at the moment, for around five hours a day, and doing tons of other stuff like sleeping and playing guitar and spending time with others. I only finished the coursework less than two days ago so I'm still feeling the work-shock.

How are you? I hope you're all well and keeping yourselves busy. There's a lot for me to do before exams so I'm not really bored unless I'm ignoring the work I should be doing and in that case it's completely my fault.

Anyway, I had a story for you from WAY BACK WHEN (...Christmas. I have a story from Christmas time).

So, I was in a supermarket feeling pretty hungry. I was looking at the sandwiches and the sushi and this family of three comes in (I'm near the door). I don't notice them until the little boy (probably about eight, best guess) reaches in front of me and grabs a muffin quite hard, squishing it in the packet a bit. I think, 'that's kind of... uncoordinated'.

I then realise he is quite overweight. In fact, all three of these people are overweight. Very noticeably. I am trying to put this nicely.

He puts the muffin down elsewhere on the shelf and grabs a cookie. He turns to his (I assume) mum, and says "can I have this?"

And she doesn't even hesitate at all, she just says, "yeah, you've been good today so you can."

Incoming thoughts- 'look at your child! If he's been so good, reward him with something else, not a cookie. Not a sugary or fatty food or drink at all, actually.'

Quite frankly, the only reward this child needed was a diet. Judging his size he was probably four, maybe four and a half feet tall, and weighed either the same or not much less than me. I'm about nine and a half stone (60.3 kilos-ish).

So then that got me thinking. How we eat is most definitely learnt from the people around us when we are children, at least in part. My mum eats healthily but doesn't eat often. I try to eat regularly but particularly when I'm busy I'll accidentally forego breakfast and lunch in a day. I don't even realise I've forgotten until my stomach starts making these awful rumbles (like an Empty-Bellystorm, tehe).

Surely, if your child has done something right, if you ARE going to reward them with something tangible (which, I'm told, is a bad habit as it leads to materialistic views), better it be something interesting and/or something that promotes health (whether that be mental or physical)...

What are your views on this, though? I'm not sure how strict my parents were compared to others when I was growing up- maximum one fast food meal a week and one or two chocolate bars. All I can remember is that I would think something along the lines of (a more childish version of) "Aw yiss - muthafuckin Twily Whirly Day" on the chocolate bar days. I loved those Twirly Whirlies. They were the greatest thing. Pity I can't eat them any more.

Back to the point. What do you think? If you were/are a parent, what would be your policy or reward of choice? How did your parents reward you? Do you think giving children food when they behave "well" perpetuates bad habits? Views would be greatly appreciated. You can email me at victoriaandthewolf@gmail.com if you've got something to say, or comment below :)

Happy reading folks, and sorry for not posting more often! Life is busy.

PS I'm hoping to do more posts during the summer months, but we'll see how that goes.

Victoria Jane

3 Reasons I'm an Awful Person

I've decided that I apologise a lot for a reason. Aside from the fact I'm British (and we're rumoured to do such things as apologise a lot and drink tea), I've been below the expected standard for a while now in terms of my blogging and other areas, though you won't know about those.

So, I apologise. And I mean it. I really do; I never intend to leave such great chasms between posts and it's always with regret that I neglect my schedule. But quite honestly there's a little bit of irony going on here because the more interesting and time-consuming stuff I have going on, the less time I have to write about it. Much the same happens, I assume, with very rich people (the ones who work for their money, anyway).

1) I procrastinate.
Like a professional procrastinator (I swear I'd get a qualification in such a thing if I didn't keep putting it off), I find wonderful ways of avoiding work and other things I need to do. I need to stretch for Taekwondo? Oh, I'm tired. I need to go and get in some cardio? I just ate, I should probably leave it... Oh, it's too late now. Shoot.
I know, I really do, how it can be annoying when someone doesn't write when they've said they would. Honestly I have wanted to. But as a result of procrastination (ongoing to an extent) I have had to do more work recently than I thought possible.

2) I'm highly emotional.
Being overly happy (not often) or sad (much more often) can really get in the way of work. But I'll tell you now, nothing halts my studies like apathy. Recently (if I'm truthful it's ever since I came back after Christmas) I've been feeling probably 80% at best, and I'm tired even when I get enough sleep. I miss my mum and Patrick, I miss my hometown, I miss having a little more freedom and mostly I want to be earning money.
While I'm at university, earning money through a part-time job seems impossible. I'm exhausted when I get in from lectures and seminars and by the end of the day I really just want to have a shower and relax.
Even though I'm studying, I feel like I'm not in the right place.

3) I may well have made the wrong choice in coming to university.
This was actually going to be a blogpost of its own at one point a little while back. I honestly cannot see myself being happy here for the next two and a half years. I feel as though I'm walking away from work for now and I feel like that might well be a bad thing.
I also feel like I'm completely ungrateful considering I've worked towards this my whole life and now I'm not happy here. My place could easily have gone to someone else who deserved it more and who wanted it and would have enjoyed it more than I would have. This is extremely upsetting in terms of the repercussions of having such thoughts. Not only do I feel lost as to what to do, but I'm now weighing up the two options I have.

Stay at university

• Worked hard to get here
• money already invested is in thousands
• waste of a year if I quit
• Risk disappointing my family
• May not be able to get a job if I leave
• Throwing away opportunity
• I don't want to leave my Taekwondo club
• I like the city 
• The studies and semesters are just about bearable

Do something else

• I'm likely to be much happier
• I can start saving money to help send my cousin to university if he wants to go
• I'll feel less alone
• More work experience, possibly in something interesting and useful
• Cuts my losses (uni costs about £20,000/year including tuition, food and accommodation)
• I constantly feel out of place, like I should really be somewhere else
• I like being at home
• I want to do what I want to do, not what I think is expected of me

...Bearing in mind that I don't just count the points on either side but also the weight of each. For example, I may waste a year if I quit but I may be wasting time being here and being unhappy when I could find work and start saving.

To be honest, when I thought I'd failed my exams I really wasn't all that bothered because part of me really wanted to get a job instead of going to university and now that can't happen unless I quit because I don't have the time or the energy to do both. The main problem comes from the possibility that if I quit I'll be limiting my opportunities to almost definitely less than they would be were I to stay and finish the degree. I really need to choose by June or July so I can make preparations and such.

Any thoughts would be welcome. Email me or comment. victoriaandthewolf@gmail.com

P.S my one true respite is reading still! I'm reading Jilly Cooper's series, the Rutshire Chronicles (begins with "Riders", fantastic book).

Happy Reading, folks!

Victoria Jane

(Not so) festive update

So, hi again, everybody, I'm sorry for not posting earlier but life has been pretty up and down so far this month! I see it's over a month since my last post and I thought maybe you'd like an update.

Christmas (today) has been pretty good. Good food, good company, and the house wasn't too down and that’s lovely. We had my cousins and my aunt over for Christmas lunch. They've never been to ours for Christmas but we wanted to get them out of the house considering my uncle passed away a week ago. It's been quite awful trying to deal with grief and still manage to function well enough to arrange a funeral. I advise all of you (jokingly, somewhat, since we can't choose the times these things happen) not to pass away around this time; we cannot have the funeral for another three weeks because these things need time and preparation and nobody is willing to do that sort of thing around Christmas time.

I'm taking it as a sign of logic that I'm not overwhelmingly upset, partially because I rarely saw my uncle and partially because I like to be a helping hand in times such as these, rather than another lost and crumpled soul. I have to be honest with you all, at the moment all I want to do is make sure people are okay and then get back to university, but this calls for family time and I like to think of us as sticking together in situations such as these. Note this is the same set of people as the one I wrote about before, containing the cousin I wanted to write a book for. I couldn’t get it done (not even started). I have no idea what to say now. As I prepared to write, this new development came along and now the family is simultaneously torn apart and pulled together by sadness.

Anyway, we’re waiting to have the funeral and I’m not leaving until everything is settled down. Thankfully I don’t start next semester until quite a way into January and so I can stay here without missing anything. I do want to go back early though, so I have some quiet time and I can just be by myself. I was looking forward to the holidays but so far they’ve been full of sadness and business (the two things you don’t always really enjoy on holiday if I’m honest). 

I'll be pretty busy covering the work I did last semester soon, and I'll try to get another post in between now and returning to uni. 

Happy reading, folks!

Victoria Jane.