*Muffled scream*

Apologies for not having posted in nine days, I have been at least partially put off by two main factors: bloggy-blog's suckiness at saving and posting when I ask it to, and the ongoing domestic we seem to be having in our household.

First off, Mr. Wonderful did something magic to my computer and now the huge, old, whirring box I have in my room, actually has a virus protection system, which is good, because I hadn't updated it for two years (sometimes I really just don't think about how important something is). The turning point came when I tried to go on a school website, using a link through google. Trust me, when you click that link expecting "Term dates" and get something a little more along the lines of "Tits and dames" you start thinking maybe a firewall is, after all, something useful and efficient and not quite as daft as it sounds. The avast I have now is wonderful and updates every day, and the best bit of it (sorry to revolve around money for a bit) is the fact that all this clear-up was free. Brilliant for me!

Secondly, this was why the blog refused to update so the fact I can now type this with confidence is a milestone in my computer's (limited) development. Whoop!

Thirdly, I've been a little battered-not in the fish sense- the past few days. On Sunday night my father rang... the gist of the conversation was that he didn't know where his black jacket had gone. I quote... "I bet your mother gave it away. The bitch, fucking bitch..." At which point I interrupted and told him I couldn't listen to that any more, and gave the phone to my mum because I had no idea what he was talking about. He went kind of mental at her... He does that sometimes. Dad moved out a week before my tenth birthday. I'm seventeen this coming June... Does anybody in their right mind keep a jacket this long? No, sorry.

Monday night, more trouble. This time the little sister decided that telling lies wasn't such a bad thing even when she had no idea what she was talking about- for reference all you need are the words "naked, sex, bad, disallowed" and compare them with what actually occurred which was "fully clothed, stupid question, bedroom door already closed, fuck off". That was only the start. Next, the parents came home. Ohhhh, that wasn't fun. Mother comes in. Mother says she knows it didn't happen. Mother and her boyfriend argue over this- he doesn't believe his sweet little... bundle of joy... could lie to him. Guess what though, it's happened before. It'll happen again. He never gets angry at her for it and he never tells her off for anything. Argument peaked when mother's boyfriend managed to bring his own daughter's lies round to the assumption that I had lost my boyfriend his job, he had lost me mine, we were bad influences for each other. Why couldn't we follow the rules? My mother was a good influence for him, etcetera, etcetera. It was ridiculous. I dimly recall shouting something like "you have no place in saying that, this is stupid, once again for having done nothing wrong I am reduced to fuck all, thanks for fucking nothing" and walking out.

I made mistakes. I left my keys, mobile, and the majority of my money at home. This prompted my mother to call my boyfriend at around quarter past eleven, asking him if I was there. Not ony was the answer no, but also this meant that Mr. Wonderful went a little insane too. I can see why- a sixteen year old girl disappears into the night, there's no way to find her and, to top it all off, mum didn't have my new mobile number... Not that it mattered, I'd left my phone at home...

I went to talk to the father of a friend. He set things very straight. He also said he was scheduled to talk to said friend this Thursday, about her excessive drug use. And the fact that no, he wouldn't give her any money. She got three Cs at GCSE. Get into College, check. Then she failed to attend.Quit College, check. Point is, He found me on his doorstep at eleven,sobbing and freezing cold. We had a cup of tea. Lady Grey. Good stuff. I went home, not realising the trouble I'd caused with my mother... Who was outside smoking and crying non-stop. When I came round the corner from our house she half collapsed onto the pavement. It was the worst I have ever seen her, not even when my dad hit her or when her mother died or when her dad died or when I snapped my leg (clumsiness), was she one tenth as bad. It was like seeing her die, in part.

We went inside, back into the flat. Warmth was good. I said, "You can slap me now." She said, "Call Mikolaj." That was all she could get out until I'd finished the phone call. Bad phone call. He picked up the phone...

"Hallo?"
"Hey."
"Where have you been? Are you okay? Why didn't you pick up your phone?"
"I forgot it again."
"Wonderful."
"Sorry, I love you."
"I love you too. The amount of adrenalin I have in my bloodstream now isn't going to help me sleep much."
"Sorry, darling."
"I love you, go to bed, I'll see you tomorrow."

Before bed mum was quieter, she came into my room and said sorry about the evening. I said I was sorry too. Domestics are never fun. She told me to sleep, I said could I read for a bit? Fine. Yes. See you in the morning, I love you, sleep well, all of that. The niceties. I slept.

I woke. The phone, Mikolaj, good morning! Distinctly more cheery attitude, definitely better day. I have my mock German speaking exam today. Right. Shower, toast and nutrigrain for breakfast, cycle to school, school stuff.

Checked emails in school. One from mum. It was good to have some sheltered contact. She said,
 " I am so sorry that you have been made so unhappy. My day is going ok biz wise. I did go to visit bamps and grandmas grave this morning (made me happy but reminded me I haven't planted any bulbs which I meant to do!). I am trying to come up with a solution that makes us happy and gives you and I the space we have lost but still need. No great answers yet but cannot bear another evening like yesterday. Love you xxxx and thank m for being there for you from me." It made me feel a little better that she was as confused and upset as I was.

Exam, okay... Cycle home in the rain. Meet Mikolaj outside Sainsbury's. Good surprise. Leave bike at Sainsbury's, go home, bake cakes. Ignore homework. Be happier. Today has been good. I still want to scream but there is a little bit of progress.

One piece of advice. If you decide to walk out from home with the intention of coming back later, no matter how angry you are, don't forget you might want keys, money, and your mobile. They can be vital.

Happy (if not freaked out or weirded out) reading, folks!