Hi folks, sorry it's been so long. It's nearly half three in the morning here and I'm tired, but this is when I think.
Hope you all had a good summer/winter (depending where you are). Summer in the UK was unbearably hot for about three weeks, then there was a HUGE thunderstorm with lots of lightning and things sort of reverted to normal.
So, back before Christmas, I was having trouble getting out of moods. I thought it might just be the weather (cold, rain, nastiness). It kind of went away a bit at Christmas because I was pretty busy. We had my cousins and my aunt over for Christmas lunch. As a slight tangent, my uncle died less than a week before Christmas. It was hell, it was a horrible situation, and it was odd. Not odd because he passed away (he was very ill), but odd because I wasn't sad for me at all. I was, and am, sad for my cousin, Tom.
Tom is thirteen. He was twelve, on the cusp of adolescence and about to need the one person who suddenly wasn't there. I've been constantly stressed about his mental and physical state for years (will explain in a moment), but obviously this is a major event for anyone to handle-particularly a child. He was quiet at the funeral. No tears. No facial expressions. Nothing. It's like he's gone. I remember when he was younger and actually had a personality. Imagine knowing someone, and then seeing them and who they are is gone.
So, back on track, the moods stayed for a while and then were forced away by exams and revision. I do this thing where, to deal with stress, I work. So that was dandy.
After exams, however, it kind of crept back. It's been four months since exams now and I seem to be getting further and further into this sort of hole.
I'm not talking about being sad, I'm talking about feeling like there's literally nothing I can do any more. Nothing. I feel like being away at uni, while fun and what I wanted to do for a long time, it isn't what I need to do.
What I need to do is look after Tom. That is what is keeping me alive. All I think about is being able to take him away from my aunt. My aunt, Linda, who feeds him the same food every day, because that's what his brother wants. Makes him do things because his brother wants to. Gives his brother the things we bring especially for him. He is so miserably pale and thin, and weak... and cold. Physically and emotionally, he's like a husk, a shell of a person. Everything revolves around his brother. His brother has autism. I know that's slightly debilitating, but Linda treats Adam like he's this golden boy who does no wrong. He ripped up some of Tom's stuff? "Accident".
On the way to their dad's funeral, Adam wouldn't turn down his TWO leappads. He is eleven. Tom took one off him to turn it down (which was what Linda had requested) and she hit him for it. And told him to behave.
The week before last, she blamed Adam's bad mood on Tom, saying Tom's eczema was to blame. He has eczema because he's constantly stressed and not fed ANY variety.
What I'm trying to say is, I want to save him. I have to. I love him like a brother, almost like a son. And I can't adopt him for another two years at least. I just watch him withering away, inside and out, day in, day out.
And I'm useless. I just watch it. I watch his manipulative brother and his stupid, myopic mother. And I see nobody paying attention to his needs. I see nobody seeing him. I see a boy who, every time he does exercise, he passes out. I see a boy my height but half my weight. I'm not overweight. He looks dead. He literally looks dead.
I'm scared. I'm terrified he's going to die, and he'll just slip away, and Linda will get away with having not looked after him properly. I'm scared I'll be too late to help him! I just cry and cry, every day.
What if I can't get to him in time? What if I can't help? I don't want him to go into care, I want to keep him and see him and know that he's safe, and maybe even happy. There's no light in his eyes. I think he's being killed.
What the hell do I do? Please, if anybody reads this and has suggestions, PLEASE just help me.
That's all for now.
Friday, 13 September 2013
Tuesday, 28 May 2013
Exams are over... And so to work (I hope)
Hey there everybody,
Sorry for not posting. I was a) busy b) stressed and c) tired (Yes, this is a multiple choice, and yes, you may pick more than one answer).
Exams went quite badly. Thankfully, not all of this was my fault. I'll quickly explain the various problems before we digress onto more fun things!
Firstly, the Legal Method exam, 0930 on May 8th. Opening that exam was like receiving a very hard punch to the chest. We were given a case to pre-read (two weeks in advance) and to use in the exam for quotes and such. The exam being split into two parts, the case featured in all questions in part B. The exam's part A was loosely connected to the case. Part A was five 3mk (three mark) questions.
Part B, which we initially could not start, let alone complete, was a 5mk, a 15mk, and two 20mk questions. A small mercy was the fact that the first three questions could be attached to any case as they asked general things such as what the ratio decidendi (reason for deciding) was, but the last question was completely impossible. Imagine trying to climb Ben Nevis or Everest with no previous experience. You have been training for a competition. Your coach sets you cycling challenges. Now you're faced with a mountain instead and nothing you've learnt can help you. That's how that exam felt.
Also, and of no less (possibly of more) importance, we were told we would get extra time as many of us could not do the questions, and about an hour into the two hour exam we were then told there would be no extra time. Fun fun.
This event has completely rocked our confidence in the exams system at our uni. But! Next!
The second exam
This was Tort. It went quite well. I think it could have gone better but then I tend to miss things out when I get nervous.
The third exam
Public Law (formerly Constitutional and Administrative Law) also went pretty well, though I chose three essay questions and therefore sacrificed my hand (poor thing, it was all seized up at the end). What made this exam better was that it was an afternoon exam (excellent as I'm actually fully awake) and that Mario walked around the room for the first three minutes we were being seated. It was great and it really diffused the tension.
The fourth and final exam
I know I didn't do all that well here, on account of being very tired (exams 2, 3 and 4 were on consecutive days) and generally being too nervous again. Which I despise. Hopefully things will go better next year.
But! Until then, I'm updating my CV today and I'm going to try and get a job so that I can earn some money to help pay rent for next year. That's pretty much all I want to do this summer aside from pre-read for next year (the books arrive on June 14th and I'm looking forward to getting started because I'll be really bored otherwise. This year I have four months' holiday and there's not much else to do besides work to help ease off the stress for next year).
Phew!!
Happy reading, folks.
PS any CV tips would be most appreciated.
Sorry for not posting. I was a) busy b) stressed and c) tired (Yes, this is a multiple choice, and yes, you may pick more than one answer).
Exams went quite badly. Thankfully, not all of this was my fault. I'll quickly explain the various problems before we digress onto more fun things!
Firstly, the Legal Method exam, 0930 on May 8th. Opening that exam was like receiving a very hard punch to the chest. We were given a case to pre-read (two weeks in advance) and to use in the exam for quotes and such. The exam being split into two parts, the case featured in all questions in part B. The exam's part A was loosely connected to the case. Part A was five 3mk (three mark) questions.
Part B, which we initially could not start, let alone complete, was a 5mk, a 15mk, and two 20mk questions. A small mercy was the fact that the first three questions could be attached to any case as they asked general things such as what the ratio decidendi (reason for deciding) was, but the last question was completely impossible. Imagine trying to climb Ben Nevis or Everest with no previous experience. You have been training for a competition. Your coach sets you cycling challenges. Now you're faced with a mountain instead and nothing you've learnt can help you. That's how that exam felt.
Also, and of no less (possibly of more) importance, we were told we would get extra time as many of us could not do the questions, and about an hour into the two hour exam we were then told there would be no extra time. Fun fun.
This event has completely rocked our confidence in the exams system at our uni. But! Next!
The second exam
This was Tort. It went quite well. I think it could have gone better but then I tend to miss things out when I get nervous.
The third exam
Public Law (formerly Constitutional and Administrative Law) also went pretty well, though I chose three essay questions and therefore sacrificed my hand (poor thing, it was all seized up at the end). What made this exam better was that it was an afternoon exam (excellent as I'm actually fully awake) and that Mario walked around the room for the first three minutes we were being seated. It was great and it really diffused the tension.
The fourth and final exam
I know I didn't do all that well here, on account of being very tired (exams 2, 3 and 4 were on consecutive days) and generally being too nervous again. Which I despise. Hopefully things will go better next year.
But! Until then, I'm updating my CV today and I'm going to try and get a job so that I can earn some money to help pay rent for next year. That's pretty much all I want to do this summer aside from pre-read for next year (the books arrive on June 14th and I'm looking forward to getting started because I'll be really bored otherwise. This year I have four months' holiday and there's not much else to do besides work to help ease off the stress for next year).
Phew!!
Happy reading, folks.
PS any CV tips would be most appreciated.
Sunday, 21 April 2013
Thoughts... And a story
Yodel-o, folks, I'm sorry it's been such a long time.
I've had all manner of work to be getting on with, including a nice piece of coursework (which took quite a long time and I'm proud of it so no regrets there). I've also finished lectures for the year and am revising at the moment, for around five hours a day, and doing tons of other stuff like sleeping and playing guitar and spending time with others. I only finished the coursework less than two days ago so I'm still feeling the work-shock.
How are you? I hope you're all well and keeping yourselves busy. There's a lot for me to do before exams so I'm not really bored unless I'm ignoring the work I should be doing and in that case it's completely my fault.
Anyway, I had a story for you from WAY BACK WHEN (...Christmas. I have a story from Christmas time).
So, I was in a supermarket feeling pretty hungry. I was looking at the sandwiches and the sushi and this family of three comes in (I'm near the door). I don't notice them until the little boy (probably about eight, best guess) reaches in front of me and grabs a muffin quite hard, squishing it in the packet a bit. I think, 'that's kind of... uncoordinated'.
I then realise he is quite overweight. In fact, all three of these people are overweight. Very noticeably. I am trying to put this nicely.
He puts the muffin down elsewhere on the shelf and grabs a cookie. He turns to his (I assume) mum, and says "can I have this?"
And she doesn't even hesitate at all, she just says, "yeah, you've been good today so you can."
Incoming thoughts- 'look at your child! If he's been so good, reward him with something else, not a cookie. Not a sugary or fatty food or drink at all, actually.'
Quite frankly, the only reward this child needed was a diet. Judging his size he was probably four, maybe four and a half feet tall, and weighed either the same or not much less than me. I'm about nine and a half stone (60.3 kilos-ish).
So then that got me thinking. How we eat is most definitely learnt from the people around us when we are children, at least in part. My mum eats healthily but doesn't eat often. I try to eat regularly but particularly when I'm busy I'll accidentally forego breakfast and lunch in a day. I don't even realise I've forgotten until my stomach starts making these awful rumbles (like an Empty-Bellystorm, tehe).
Surely, if your child has done something right, if you ARE going to reward them with something tangible (which, I'm told, is a bad habit as it leads to materialistic views), better it be something interesting and/or something that promotes health (whether that be mental or physical)...
What are your views on this, though? I'm not sure how strict my parents were compared to others when I was growing up- maximum one fast food meal a week and one or two chocolate bars. All I can remember is that I would think something along the lines of (a more childish version of) "Aw yiss - muthafuckin Twily Whirly Day" on the chocolate bar days. I loved those Twirly Whirlies. They were the greatest thing. Pity I can't eat them any more.
Back to the point. What do you think? If you were/are a parent, what would be your policy or reward of choice? How did your parents reward you? Do you think giving children food when they behave "well" perpetuates bad habits? Views would be greatly appreciated. You can email me at victoriaandthewolf@gmail.com if you've got something to say, or comment below :)
Happy reading folks, and sorry for not posting more often! Life is busy.
PS I'm hoping to do more posts during the summer months, but we'll see how that goes.
Victoria Jane
I've had all manner of work to be getting on with, including a nice piece of coursework (which took quite a long time and I'm proud of it so no regrets there). I've also finished lectures for the year and am revising at the moment, for around five hours a day, and doing tons of other stuff like sleeping and playing guitar and spending time with others. I only finished the coursework less than two days ago so I'm still feeling the work-shock.
How are you? I hope you're all well and keeping yourselves busy. There's a lot for me to do before exams so I'm not really bored unless I'm ignoring the work I should be doing and in that case it's completely my fault.
Anyway, I had a story for you from WAY BACK WHEN (...Christmas. I have a story from Christmas time).
So, I was in a supermarket feeling pretty hungry. I was looking at the sandwiches and the sushi and this family of three comes in (I'm near the door). I don't notice them until the little boy (probably about eight, best guess) reaches in front of me and grabs a muffin quite hard, squishing it in the packet a bit. I think, 'that's kind of... uncoordinated'.
I then realise he is quite overweight. In fact, all three of these people are overweight. Very noticeably. I am trying to put this nicely.
He puts the muffin down elsewhere on the shelf and grabs a cookie. He turns to his (I assume) mum, and says "can I have this?"
And she doesn't even hesitate at all, she just says, "yeah, you've been good today so you can."
Incoming thoughts- 'look at your child! If he's been so good, reward him with something else, not a cookie. Not a sugary or fatty food or drink at all, actually.'
Quite frankly, the only reward this child needed was a diet. Judging his size he was probably four, maybe four and a half feet tall, and weighed either the same or not much less than me. I'm about nine and a half stone (60.3 kilos-ish).
So then that got me thinking. How we eat is most definitely learnt from the people around us when we are children, at least in part. My mum eats healthily but doesn't eat often. I try to eat regularly but particularly when I'm busy I'll accidentally forego breakfast and lunch in a day. I don't even realise I've forgotten until my stomach starts making these awful rumbles (like an Empty-Bellystorm, tehe).
Surely, if your child has done something right, if you ARE going to reward them with something tangible (which, I'm told, is a bad habit as it leads to materialistic views), better it be something interesting and/or something that promotes health (whether that be mental or physical)...
What are your views on this, though? I'm not sure how strict my parents were compared to others when I was growing up- maximum one fast food meal a week and one or two chocolate bars. All I can remember is that I would think something along the lines of (a more childish version of) "Aw yiss - muthafuckin Twily Whirly Day" on the chocolate bar days. I loved those Twirly Whirlies. They were the greatest thing. Pity I can't eat them any more.
Back to the point. What do you think? If you were/are a parent, what would be your policy or reward of choice? How did your parents reward you? Do you think giving children food when they behave "well" perpetuates bad habits? Views would be greatly appreciated. You can email me at victoriaandthewolf@gmail.com if you've got something to say, or comment below :)
Happy reading folks, and sorry for not posting more often! Life is busy.
PS I'm hoping to do more posts during the summer months, but we'll see how that goes.
Victoria Jane
Saturday, 23 February 2013
3 Reasons I'm an Awful Person
I've decided that I apologise a lot for a reason. Aside from the fact I'm British (and we're rumoured to do such things as apologise a lot and drink tea), I've been below the expected standard for a while now in terms of my blogging and other areas, though you won't know about those.
So, I apologise. And I mean it. I really do; I never intend to leave such great chasms between posts and it's always with regret that I neglect my schedule. But quite honestly there's a little bit of irony going on here because the more interesting and time-consuming stuff I have going on, the less time I have to write about it. Much the same happens, I assume, with very rich people (the ones who work for their money, anyway).
1) I procrastinate.
Like a professional procrastinator (I swear I'd get a qualification in such a thing if I didn't keep putting it off), I find wonderful ways of avoiding work and other things I need to do. I need to stretch for Taekwondo? Oh, I'm tired. I need to go and get in some cardio? I just ate, I should probably leave it... Oh, it's too late now. Shoot.
I know, I really do, how it can be annoying when someone doesn't write when they've said they would. Honestly I have wanted to. But as a result of procrastination (ongoing to an extent) I have had to do more work recently than I thought possible.
2) I'm highly emotional.
Being overly happy (not often) or sad (much more often) can really get in the way of work. But I'll tell you now, nothing halts my studies like apathy. Recently (if I'm truthful it's ever since I came back after Christmas) I've been feeling probably 80% at best, and I'm tired even when I get enough sleep. I miss my mum and Patrick, I miss my hometown, I miss having a little more freedom and mostly I want to be earning money.
While I'm at university, earning money through a part-time job seems impossible. I'm exhausted when I get in from lectures and seminars and by the end of the day I really just want to have a shower and relax.
Even though I'm studying, I feel like I'm not in the right place.
3) I may well have made the wrong choice in coming to university.
This was actually going to be a blogpost of its own at one point a little while back. I honestly cannot see myself being happy here for the next two and a half years. I feel as though I'm walking away from work for now and I feel like that might well be a bad thing.
I also feel like I'm completely ungrateful considering I've worked towards this my whole life and now I'm not happy here. My place could easily have gone to someone else who deserved it more and who wanted it and would have enjoyed it more than I would have. This is extremely upsetting in terms of the repercussions of having such thoughts. Not only do I feel lost as to what to do, but I'm now weighing up the two options I have.
Stay at university
So, I apologise. And I mean it. I really do; I never intend to leave such great chasms between posts and it's always with regret that I neglect my schedule. But quite honestly there's a little bit of irony going on here because the more interesting and time-consuming stuff I have going on, the less time I have to write about it. Much the same happens, I assume, with very rich people (the ones who work for their money, anyway).
1) I procrastinate.
Like a professional procrastinator (I swear I'd get a qualification in such a thing if I didn't keep putting it off), I find wonderful ways of avoiding work and other things I need to do. I need to stretch for Taekwondo? Oh, I'm tired. I need to go and get in some cardio? I just ate, I should probably leave it... Oh, it's too late now. Shoot.
I know, I really do, how it can be annoying when someone doesn't write when they've said they would. Honestly I have wanted to. But as a result of procrastination (ongoing to an extent) I have had to do more work recently than I thought possible.
2) I'm highly emotional.
Being overly happy (not often) or sad (much more often) can really get in the way of work. But I'll tell you now, nothing halts my studies like apathy. Recently (if I'm truthful it's ever since I came back after Christmas) I've been feeling probably 80% at best, and I'm tired even when I get enough sleep. I miss my mum and Patrick, I miss my hometown, I miss having a little more freedom and mostly I want to be earning money.
While I'm at university, earning money through a part-time job seems impossible. I'm exhausted when I get in from lectures and seminars and by the end of the day I really just want to have a shower and relax.
Even though I'm studying, I feel like I'm not in the right place.
3) I may well have made the wrong choice in coming to university.
This was actually going to be a blogpost of its own at one point a little while back. I honestly cannot see myself being happy here for the next two and a half years. I feel as though I'm walking away from work for now and I feel like that might well be a bad thing.
I also feel like I'm completely ungrateful considering I've worked towards this my whole life and now I'm not happy here. My place could easily have gone to someone else who deserved it more and who wanted it and would have enjoyed it more than I would have. This is extremely upsetting in terms of the repercussions of having such thoughts. Not only do I feel lost as to what to do, but I'm now weighing up the two options I have.
Stay at university
- Worked hard to get here
- money already invested is in thousands
- waste of a year if I quit
- Risk disappointing my family
- May not be able to get a job if I leave
- Throwing away opportunity
- I don't want to leave my Taekwondo club
- I like the city
- The studies and semesters are just about bearable
Do something else
- I'm likely to be much happier
- I can start saving money to help send my cousin to university if he wants to go
- I'll feel less alone
- More work experience, possibly in something interesting and useful
- Cuts my losses (uni costs about £20,000/year including tuition, food and accommodation)
- I constantly feel out of place, like I should really be somewhere else
- I like being at home
- I want to do what I want to do, not what I think is expected of me
...Bearing in mind that I don't just count the points on either side but also the weight of each. For example, I may waste a year if I quit but I may be wasting time being here and being unhappy when I could find work and start saving.
To be honest, when I thought I'd failed my exams I really wasn't all that bothered because part of me really wanted to get a job instead of going to university and now that can't happen unless I quit because I don't have the time or the energy to do both. The main problem comes from the possibility that if I quit I'll be limiting my opportunities to almost definitely less than they would be were I to stay and finish the degree. I really need to choose by June or July so I can make preparations and such.
Any thoughts would be welcome. Email me or comment. victoriaandthewolf@gmail.com
P.S my one true respite is reading still! I'm reading Jilly Cooper's series, the Rutshire Chronicles (begins with "Riders", fantastic book).
Happy Reading, folks!
Victoria Jane
Wednesday, 26 December 2012
(Not so) festive update
So, hi again, everybody, I'm sorry for not posting earlier but life has been pretty
up and down so far this month! I see it's over a month since my last post and I
thought maybe you'd like an update.
Christmas (today) has been pretty good. Good food, good company, and the house wasn't too down and that’s lovely. We had my cousins and my aunt over for Christmas lunch. They've never been to ours for Christmas but we wanted to get them out of the house considering my uncle passed away a week ago. It's been quite awful trying to deal with grief and still manage to function well enough to arrange a funeral. I advise all of you (jokingly, somewhat, since we can't choose the times these things happen) not to pass away around this time; we cannot have the funeral for another three weeks because these things need time and preparation and nobody is willing to do that sort of thing around Christmas time.
I'm taking it as a sign of logic that I'm not overwhelmingly upset, partially because I rarely saw my uncle and partially because I like to be a helping hand in times such as these, rather than another lost and crumpled soul. I have to be honest with you all, at the moment all I want to do is make sure people are okay and then get back to university, but this calls for family time and I like to think of us as sticking together in situations such as these. Note this is the same set of people as the one I wrote about before, containing the cousin I wanted to write a book for. I couldn’t get it done (not even started). I have no idea what to say now. As I prepared to write, this new development came along and now the family is simultaneously torn apart and pulled together by sadness.
Christmas (today) has been pretty good. Good food, good company, and the house wasn't too down and that’s lovely. We had my cousins and my aunt over for Christmas lunch. They've never been to ours for Christmas but we wanted to get them out of the house considering my uncle passed away a week ago. It's been quite awful trying to deal with grief and still manage to function well enough to arrange a funeral. I advise all of you (jokingly, somewhat, since we can't choose the times these things happen) not to pass away around this time; we cannot have the funeral for another three weeks because these things need time and preparation and nobody is willing to do that sort of thing around Christmas time.
I'm taking it as a sign of logic that I'm not overwhelmingly upset, partially because I rarely saw my uncle and partially because I like to be a helping hand in times such as these, rather than another lost and crumpled soul. I have to be honest with you all, at the moment all I want to do is make sure people are okay and then get back to university, but this calls for family time and I like to think of us as sticking together in situations such as these. Note this is the same set of people as the one I wrote about before, containing the cousin I wanted to write a book for. I couldn’t get it done (not even started). I have no idea what to say now. As I prepared to write, this new development came along and now the family is simultaneously torn apart and pulled together by sadness.
Anyway,
we’re waiting to have the funeral and I’m not leaving until everything is settled
down. Thankfully I don’t start next semester until quite a way into January and
so I can stay here without missing anything. I do want to go back early though,
so I have some quiet time and I can just be by myself. I was looking forward to
the holidays but so far they’ve been full of sadness and business (the two
things you don’t always really enjoy on holiday if I’m honest).
I'll be pretty busy covering the work I did last semester soon, and I'll try to get another post in between now and returning to uni.
Happy reading, folks!
Victoria Jane.
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Bitte entschuldigen Sie!!
One word to you all, dear readers, and that word is perseverance. I'm not afraid and not sorry to say that there have been good reasons for my not posting in a while!
Studying.
I have been sitting at my desk, and various other desks, and on my bed, and at the kitchen table, and I've been thinking and formulating and assimilating (to an extent) all this information we, as law students on the course, have been exposed to. Lectures are a welcome introduction to topics, believe me, but gosh are they fleeting. Oh, what a brief window of interest they open for us! And then the hard work begins. In lectures, I sit and I take notes and I assume I'm making sense of all the words and phrases and images I'm given to make sense of, but of course it's passive learning. And so I have to go away and read and commit myself to hours of thinking about the same things and working out how all those things fit together. It's wonderful, readers! I'm really enjoying myself learning things at university.
But of course the result of all this time-consuming studying is that I get good marks. I am getting good marks and I am very proud and because of that I can truly say that I feel I am spending my time well here. Of course I take time off! Of course I spend time procrastinating, and watching movies, and reading non-academic books, and sleeping and eating and just relishing being able to think. So far I've given in two essays. The first was a 2:1 (a high B) and the second was a 1st (an A). I am enjoying that. And then today we participated in a test in class, multiple choice but quite difficult all the same, and I scored 35/36.
...Baking?
It was Patrick's birthday at the weekend and so I went home for four days. We baked a lovely chocolate cake on Friday, which we didn't finish until after his birthday dinner on Saturday, when I made the ganache and put it on. That word's a link because EVERYONE I told asked what ganache was and I couldn't define it well.
Here's a picture of the birthday boy exercising his self-control with said cake.
Pat, I gotta say, honey, you could probably fit that whole cake in your mouth in less than ten bites.
It's a pretty big cake, I tell you! It was/is lovely (I still have a slice keeping me company up in Oxford). I also bought Pat an Euler's disk, because he really loves physics and he specifically asked for one. Youtube it and see how they work, they're pretty cool (and heavy).
I got the recipe for the cake here, it is delicious, I recommend you all try it. I am having a lot of fun with the whole baking shebang now I'm older and able to do all that stuff I didn't understand when I was younger.
...Didn't stop me from melting a spatula when making the ganache, though. Moving on!
Coursework obligations
I have a piece of coursework due this Friday, which I am currently part of the way through writing, and two pieces due in three and a half weeks' time, so I'm likely to be quite busy between now and then! However, I will try to write after that, which shouldn't be too difficult as my Christmas holidays start once I've handed those in, so I should be back home for roughly December 15th. This is an exciting last month of my first semester at university, I must say! I'm being careful not to do so much work that I burn out and do terribly next year, but I also want to do well this year because I want a proper foundation year (looks good on CVs and also to any prospective employers to show that I'm trying hard even when it's not completely necessary!
I would put up some coursework extracts but we're not allowed for reasons such as cheating and plagiarism. Sorry folks! Don't hesitate to ask questions if you want to, though.
Happy reading, folks!
Victoria Jane
Studying.
I have been sitting at my desk, and various other desks, and on my bed, and at the kitchen table, and I've been thinking and formulating and assimilating (to an extent) all this information we, as law students on the course, have been exposed to. Lectures are a welcome introduction to topics, believe me, but gosh are they fleeting. Oh, what a brief window of interest they open for us! And then the hard work begins. In lectures, I sit and I take notes and I assume I'm making sense of all the words and phrases and images I'm given to make sense of, but of course it's passive learning. And so I have to go away and read and commit myself to hours of thinking about the same things and working out how all those things fit together. It's wonderful, readers! I'm really enjoying myself learning things at university.
But of course the result of all this time-consuming studying is that I get good marks. I am getting good marks and I am very proud and because of that I can truly say that I feel I am spending my time well here. Of course I take time off! Of course I spend time procrastinating, and watching movies, and reading non-academic books, and sleeping and eating and just relishing being able to think. So far I've given in two essays. The first was a 2:1 (a high B) and the second was a 1st (an A). I am enjoying that. And then today we participated in a test in class, multiple choice but quite difficult all the same, and I scored 35/36.
...Baking?
It was Patrick's birthday at the weekend and so I went home for four days. We baked a lovely chocolate cake on Friday, which we didn't finish until after his birthday dinner on Saturday, when I made the ganache and put it on. That word's a link because EVERYONE I told asked what ganache was and I couldn't define it well.
Here's a picture of the birthday boy exercising his self-control with said cake.
It's a pretty big cake, I tell you! It was/is lovely (I still have a slice keeping me company up in Oxford). I also bought Pat an Euler's disk, because he really loves physics and he specifically asked for one. Youtube it and see how they work, they're pretty cool (and heavy).
I got the recipe for the cake here, it is delicious, I recommend you all try it. I am having a lot of fun with the whole baking shebang now I'm older and able to do all that stuff I didn't understand when I was younger.
...Didn't stop me from melting a spatula when making the ganache, though. Moving on!
Coursework obligations
I have a piece of coursework due this Friday, which I am currently part of the way through writing, and two pieces due in three and a half weeks' time, so I'm likely to be quite busy between now and then! However, I will try to write after that, which shouldn't be too difficult as my Christmas holidays start once I've handed those in, so I should be back home for roughly December 15th. This is an exciting last month of my first semester at university, I must say! I'm being careful not to do so much work that I burn out and do terribly next year, but I also want to do well this year because I want a proper foundation year (looks good on CVs and also to any prospective employers to show that I'm trying hard even when it's not completely necessary!
I would put up some coursework extracts but we're not allowed for reasons such as cheating and plagiarism. Sorry folks! Don't hesitate to ask questions if you want to, though.
Happy reading, folks!
Victoria Jane
Saturday, 3 November 2012
Purpose.
I'm not saying we're here for a specific purpose or that life is a wonderful miracle. I don't want to project an image of myself as someone very philosophical or anything like that. I like people to know I have thoughts, though. I find it somewhat satisfying that someone could be interested in the things in my head.
So, I've been going to Taekwon Do every day that I can (it only runs Thursdays and Fridays but some Fridays I go home to see my family) and I can feel myself getting stronger and faster. This is a good change, certainly. It feels like I am achieving something.
For years and years I felt pressure to be thin and to never lose my temper and to be helpful to people all the time, but then I realised that thin is not necessarily healthy and keeping your cool all the time is virtually inhuman, there have to be some things that annoy you, sometimes, and sometimes it's okay not to lend others a hand and to just have some time to yourself. I think everybody needs that.
I've been reading a lot recently, and I found this, which is interesting. I don't think being married is anything different than being in a relationship, but that's not the significance of it. I was particularly interested in point seven on that list, because quite frankly it's not a burden worrying about someone and being young and carefree doesn't go hand in hand, completely, with being alone. Again, I'm not trying to project an image of philosophy; nor am I saying that everybody simply must have someone to be with (come on! Nobody NEEDS a boyfriend, it's not a concept you should view in that way, in my opinion). My relationship does cause me some worry, of course; I care about Pat very much, and I do worry a bit sometimes. But he makes life a lot more bearable when I've had a terrible day (don't think, honey, that I merely use you to make myself feel better).
But yes, purpose. My purpose in life has never been set, but rather quite loosely defined as what I find important at that moment. At this time I'm interested in learning about Law (good thing, that) and improving my Taekwon Do skills.
Recently, I have been reading this blog. It's written by a man whose younger son has autism, and it documents, to an extent, what effect this has had on family, and general, life. I have a cousin with autism and there is a whole huge area of grey in my knowledge about the condition, though I know the basics- that it's lifelong, incurable, and prevents normal social interaction to an extent. But I must say that the man's child has high-functioning autism, which is not as severe at what my little cousin has. I say "has" and not "suffers from" because, as horrible as it may sound, I really think he doesn't care all that much, but we do, and it affects the lives of my mother's side of the family quite extensively. I have had to, in the past (and we're talking five years ago) literally pull other children off my cousin. Bullies can be cruel. He doesn't understand how awful they're being either.
But A (his name genuinely starts with that letter, I'm not initial-ing him autistic) isn't who I'm worried about, it's his older brother, T. I love T a huge amount, and the sadness I feel for his predicament is something I will never cease to bear. He not only has almost no support and praise from his parents but also must deal with, every day and night for the rest of his life, the fact his younger brother has autism. It will always be a part of his mind. I worry for him, this once promising and bright child, whose personality, aspirations and livelihood have dulled under the weight of his burden. At twelve (now) he is expected to fully understand his brother's condition and deal with it as well as his parents do (they don't, really). T was a very bright child, and I mean that; he learnt to read analogue clocks before I did, and I had six years on him. I was genuinely jealous at one point. But now? Now, I feel anger and pity. Anger that he was wasted, ignored, left to almost raise himself. He has to eat what his brother eats, which isn't much. He has to live around his brother. He has to work around the entire situation, and believe me, A is quite the situation.
I would never say it is A's fault, but he can be very challenging to deal with. Partly, he has autism. Partly, he's a complete bastard because his parents have let him grow to always get what he wants. As a result my favourite cousin (sorry all other cousins) has completely lost the light in his life. He did badly in school last year. He can't bring friends home. He has no escape. Secondary school is a car journey from his house and during that journey I can bet you anything there is either silence or lectures revolving around A. Or T's lack of performance. How do you expect him to do well if you won't help? He's not an adult, you control him as his parents, to some extent. You let his little brother break his things and ruin his stuff and you blame it on autism or on him, and you're going to have an unhappy child.
As a result, I've resolved to write him a little book. Of my thoughts. Of what I feel. Of how I want to help. Of how everything is unfair and I see that and how mum and I have secret plans to steal him away for a day and we'll do whatever the hell he wants all day and he can eat and sleep and just not give a care that his little brother is autistic, for one day. Removing the burden. And hopefully he'll see that there are people who think he's not getting as much individual time and love as he deserves.
I'd genuinely not mind if he went to live with my mum, although it would be difficult. I'd love to see him more. I want his mobile number so we can text without his mum knowing; it'd be difficult but I'm sure there's a way. My purpose is to write my little cousin a book to make him a little bit less miserable this Christmas, because it quite literally (I think it's the stress of thinking of being in that situation) makes my heart hurt when I imagine him all bored and upset and alone in that house, every day.
If you have any comments, please send them to me here. I'd love to read them.
Happy reading, folks!!
So, I've been going to Taekwon Do every day that I can (it only runs Thursdays and Fridays but some Fridays I go home to see my family) and I can feel myself getting stronger and faster. This is a good change, certainly. It feels like I am achieving something.
For years and years I felt pressure to be thin and to never lose my temper and to be helpful to people all the time, but then I realised that thin is not necessarily healthy and keeping your cool all the time is virtually inhuman, there have to be some things that annoy you, sometimes, and sometimes it's okay not to lend others a hand and to just have some time to yourself. I think everybody needs that.
I've been reading a lot recently, and I found this, which is interesting. I don't think being married is anything different than being in a relationship, but that's not the significance of it. I was particularly interested in point seven on that list, because quite frankly it's not a burden worrying about someone and being young and carefree doesn't go hand in hand, completely, with being alone. Again, I'm not trying to project an image of philosophy; nor am I saying that everybody simply must have someone to be with (come on! Nobody NEEDS a boyfriend, it's not a concept you should view in that way, in my opinion). My relationship does cause me some worry, of course; I care about Pat very much, and I do worry a bit sometimes. But he makes life a lot more bearable when I've had a terrible day (don't think, honey, that I merely use you to make myself feel better).
But yes, purpose. My purpose in life has never been set, but rather quite loosely defined as what I find important at that moment. At this time I'm interested in learning about Law (good thing, that) and improving my Taekwon Do skills.
Recently, I have been reading this blog. It's written by a man whose younger son has autism, and it documents, to an extent, what effect this has had on family, and general, life. I have a cousin with autism and there is a whole huge area of grey in my knowledge about the condition, though I know the basics- that it's lifelong, incurable, and prevents normal social interaction to an extent. But I must say that the man's child has high-functioning autism, which is not as severe at what my little cousin has. I say "has" and not "suffers from" because, as horrible as it may sound, I really think he doesn't care all that much, but we do, and it affects the lives of my mother's side of the family quite extensively. I have had to, in the past (and we're talking five years ago) literally pull other children off my cousin. Bullies can be cruel. He doesn't understand how awful they're being either.
But A (his name genuinely starts with that letter, I'm not initial-ing him autistic) isn't who I'm worried about, it's his older brother, T. I love T a huge amount, and the sadness I feel for his predicament is something I will never cease to bear. He not only has almost no support and praise from his parents but also must deal with, every day and night for the rest of his life, the fact his younger brother has autism. It will always be a part of his mind. I worry for him, this once promising and bright child, whose personality, aspirations and livelihood have dulled under the weight of his burden. At twelve (now) he is expected to fully understand his brother's condition and deal with it as well as his parents do (they don't, really). T was a very bright child, and I mean that; he learnt to read analogue clocks before I did, and I had six years on him. I was genuinely jealous at one point. But now? Now, I feel anger and pity. Anger that he was wasted, ignored, left to almost raise himself. He has to eat what his brother eats, which isn't much. He has to live around his brother. He has to work around the entire situation, and believe me, A is quite the situation.
I would never say it is A's fault, but he can be very challenging to deal with. Partly, he has autism. Partly, he's a complete bastard because his parents have let him grow to always get what he wants. As a result my favourite cousin (sorry all other cousins) has completely lost the light in his life. He did badly in school last year. He can't bring friends home. He has no escape. Secondary school is a car journey from his house and during that journey I can bet you anything there is either silence or lectures revolving around A. Or T's lack of performance. How do you expect him to do well if you won't help? He's not an adult, you control him as his parents, to some extent. You let his little brother break his things and ruin his stuff and you blame it on autism or on him, and you're going to have an unhappy child.
As a result, I've resolved to write him a little book. Of my thoughts. Of what I feel. Of how I want to help. Of how everything is unfair and I see that and how mum and I have secret plans to steal him away for a day and we'll do whatever the hell he wants all day and he can eat and sleep and just not give a care that his little brother is autistic, for one day. Removing the burden. And hopefully he'll see that there are people who think he's not getting as much individual time and love as he deserves.
I'd genuinely not mind if he went to live with my mum, although it would be difficult. I'd love to see him more. I want his mobile number so we can text without his mum knowing; it'd be difficult but I'm sure there's a way. My purpose is to write my little cousin a book to make him a little bit less miserable this Christmas, because it quite literally (I think it's the stress of thinking of being in that situation) makes my heart hurt when I imagine him all bored and upset and alone in that house, every day.
If you have any comments, please send them to me here. I'd love to read them.
Happy reading, folks!!
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