Hi peeps!
Hope you're all good and well and enjoying your various lives. I've been thinking about blogging again for a little while and thought that, actually, given people are wondering what's going on, I'd do well to explain myself after such an impromptu absence.
Illness
Firstly, I've been ill pretty much since my last post and it's been getting me down, and I didn't want to share that with anyone for a while. Back in September/November, I was very stressed at uni, taking eighteen hour days or longer and not getting enough sleep. I started falling asleep in class and never being able to concentrate, and eventually I got kind of weirdly weak and was having trouble walking or doing anything, really, so I missed some lectures (and I fell asleep in all lectures I went to). I went to the doctor and they said I might be anaemic, but I really wasn't feeling up to a blood test (I know it sounds stupid, but I felt weak and terrible already and I didn't want one), so I started eating a little more, particularly meat, and felt better. My flatmates were all really lovely and supportive through that time and helped me feel a lot better as well.I had a 'blip' in November when I ended up in hospital from the stress I'd put myself under, and started realising that getting better physically (and mentally) and grappling with uni work were not synonymous, simultaneous or reasonable as a personal goal.
By December, I'd lost a lot of weight and I just felt ready to give up, plus I just couldn't stay up and out of bed enough to do work although I was a lot better than my November self. Going home for Christmas and still having tons of work to do was soul-destroying, there was a lot I hadn't done from first semester and I still had a lot of coursework I had to get in for right after the holidays, so I half-heartedly managed it, but I didn't do a good job and just working was very depressing. I sort of began drinking more, not hard since I barely drank before, but I didn't like how that was going so I pulled myself out of it.
After Christmas
Coming back to uni in January felt forced and I was having trouble walking or sitting again, but it wasn't anything to do with diet. I kept getting back pains, something I've had for years but never really paid attention to before. Anyway, it got so bad I couldn't sleep, let alone get up in the morning or walk, and I stopped going to lectures and spoke to my academic advisor about it, as well as doctors and my parents.I got a chest infection that wouldn't shift and was ordered home for a week, where I wasn't allowed to leave the house and my mum pretty much forced bedrest on me. After two days the pain in my back was unbearable and coming back to Oxford, I felt different; my priorities changed.
I stopped going to university. I stopped studying. I took five or six weeks to sit around, do the things I wanted and see more doctors, all of whom looked at my back and said the same thing: you have scoliosis. It's treatable. Here are some painkillers (I hate painkillers). I am officially no longer a student.
Changes (am... Am I a real adult now?)
I got a full-time job, because my parents (who have very generously been paying for my accommodation until now) said they wouldn't if I wasn't studying, so I had eight weeks to make enough to pay rent of £1200 and pay for my food and anything else I needed. My job isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life, but it gets me where I need to go for now, and it lets me do a lot of different things, like work in a bakery and make deliveries by bike, which are good things because they mean I'm moving about. As soon as I stop moving my body begins to hurt, so I'm standing up, walking around, cycling and even trying to run, and my body is starting to feel a bit better. This is a different kind of stress, one that doesn't follow me home or invade my dreams.Treatment!!
My face looks weird at the moment, and I am SUPER self-conscious about it. I think about it probably 25% of the time. I'm nearing my surgery date (I tell people who ask about it that they're going to break my face, that's pretty much it - I'll be having double jaw surgery to correct my underbite in Summer, hopefully). My teeth hurt, My jaw hurts, My head hurts, because I still have braces, but in a year's time it should all be done with.I'm excited to finally look better/normal, to be honest!
I also am waiting on treatment for my back, which is bent and twisted where it shouldn't be! Yes, this is painful, and yes, it gets in the way of my mobility. It is one of the reasons I halted my studies and I believe it was the right choice because I am happier and healthier than I could ever have been had I stayed at uni.
Happy reading, folks!
Victoria Jane
