A different kind of challenge (a.k.a why I am poor and happy)

Hi again,

I realised it's been a while again (nothing near as long as the last "while", but still) and thought I'd update you a little bit as to what's happening, what's not happening (ahem, SURGERY, so far, still a long way off), and my mindset.

Last time I wrote, I was pretty much whining about this and that but explaining it's not the end of the world for me. I've been brought up never to assume, so for me to turn around and tell you I expect bright things around the corner would be, well, bullshit. I don't expect anything to make its way to me - I'm going out and finding it instead.

New place/living space
Firstly, I found and moved into somewhere new, because my old tenancy ended and I needed to stay in this city to work. To say it was difficult to find a place is both truth and lies ( a half-truth, I suppose), because I really limited myself for a long time by saying I wouldn't rent any place more than £425, and with the amount of storage space I need (it's not my stuff, I'm holding it for someone!!), that wasn't going to cut it.

Essentially what ended up happening was that I moved home for a week, but still commuted to work and to view the new place. This took six hours out of my day and was incredibly tiring, not to mention expensive, so you can imagine a week was MORE than enough time for me to appreciate living away from my original home!

New quietness
I was actually living with someone before, and that someone is now thousands of miles away, so things are much quieter and I find myself spending a lot more time out of the house. I'm particularly getting back into exercising, though in all honesty my back still isn't great so I'm a bit limited at the moment.

I'm having to really push it at work to get the hours I need to pay rent, and though the job isn't hell, it can be unnecessarily stressful, so to come back to an empty room isn't always pleasant when I really want to just whine. In a way though, it's a different and quite humbling experience to be completely on my own for the first time.

I have to budget very carefully for food and be careful with myself so I can keep going to work and pay for the things I need. Work actually allows me one "break" per shift, and provides a little food and drink in that time, but I'm learning to save it for the end of the shift. Today I spent ten minutes appreciating an Americano. It might sound a bit silly until you know that that came after eight miles of cycling deliveries in the rain.

Yesterday was the turning point when I realised I had to be careful. I was eating my 'saved' break and running for the bus, and I threw the last quarter away to run better (genuinely, sprinting), but the bus wouldn't stop, so I missed it - and then all I could think about was the food I'd just thrown away and how I couldn't afford more for the day, and it was a horrible moment.

Today I spent about an hour at the end of my shift with a coffee and a sandwich because honestly, having that makes me so happy! I also had a few strawberries in the fridge at home and a couple weren't ripe, so I left them on my windowsill in the sun to ripen and had them when I came home today.

"I never needed a lot of the things I thought were necessary"

And I've realised this is all I need to be happy now, and it's an odd kind of bliss, but being careful and really appreciating my time and my food is helping me. I'm trying to spend as little money as possible and it's teaching me that I never needed a lot of the things I thought were necessary. I've re-read old books and re-watched old films in the last couple of days and now I'm in a more relaxed state of mind and I can focus on reaching little goals rather than trying to overreach.

Happy Reading, folks!

I took six months away from blogging and my life changed completely.

Hi peeps!

Hope you're all good and well and enjoying your various lives. I've been thinking about blogging again for a little while and thought that, actually, given people are wondering what's going on, I'd do well to explain myself after such an impromptu absence.

Illness

Firstly, I've been ill pretty much since my last post and it's been getting me down, and I didn't want to share that with anyone for a while. Back in September/November, I was very stressed at uni, taking eighteen hour days or longer and not getting enough sleep. I started falling asleep in class and never being able to concentrate, and eventually I got kind of weirdly weak and was having trouble walking or doing anything, really, so I missed some lectures (and I fell asleep in all lectures I went to). I went to the doctor and they said I might be anaemic, but I really wasn't feeling up to a blood test (I know it sounds stupid, but I felt weak and terrible already and I didn't want one), so I started eating a little more, particularly meat, and felt better. My flatmates were all really lovely and supportive through that time and helped me feel a lot better as well.

I had a 'blip' in November when I ended up in hospital from the stress I'd put myself under, and started realising that getting better physically (and mentally) and grappling with uni work were not synonymous, simultaneous or reasonable as a personal goal.

By December, I'd lost a lot of weight and I just felt ready to give up, plus I just couldn't stay up and out of bed enough to do work although I was a lot better than my November self. Going home for Christmas and still having tons of work to do was soul-destroying, there was a lot I hadn't done from first semester and I still had a lot of coursework I had to get in for right after the holidays, so I half-heartedly managed it, but I didn't do a good job and just working was very depressing. I sort of began drinking more, not hard since I barely drank before, but I didn't like how that was going so I pulled myself out of it.

After Christmas

Coming back to uni in January felt forced and I was having trouble walking or sitting again, but it wasn't anything to do with diet. I kept getting back pains, something I've had for years but never really paid attention to before. Anyway, it got so bad I couldn't sleep, let alone get up in the morning or walk, and I stopped going to lectures and spoke to my academic advisor about it, as well as doctors and my parents.

I got a chest infection that wouldn't shift and was ordered home for a week, where I wasn't allowed to leave the house and my mum pretty much forced bedrest on me. After two days the pain in my back was unbearable and coming back to Oxford, I felt different; my priorities changed.

I stopped going to university. I stopped studying. I took five or six weeks to sit around, do the things I wanted and see more doctors, all of whom looked at my back and said the same thing: you have scoliosis. It's treatable. Here are some painkillers (I hate painkillers). I am officially no longer a student.

Changes (am... Am I a real adult now?)

I got a full-time job, because my parents (who have very generously been paying for my accommodation until now) said they wouldn't if I wasn't studying, so I had eight weeks to make enough to pay rent of £1200 and pay for my food and anything else I needed. My job isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life, but it gets me where I need to go for now, and it lets me do a lot of different things, like work in a bakery and make deliveries by bike, which are good things because they mean I'm moving about. As soon as I stop moving my body begins to hurt, so I'm standing up, walking around, cycling and even trying to run, and my body is starting to feel a bit better. This is a different kind of stress, one that doesn't follow me home or invade my dreams.

Treatment!!

My face looks weird at the moment, and I am SUPER self-conscious about it. I think about it probably 25% of the time. I'm nearing my surgery date (I tell people who ask about it that they're going to break my face, that's pretty much it - I'll be having double jaw surgery to correct my underbite in Summer, hopefully). My teeth hurt, My jaw hurts, My head hurts, because I still have braces, but in a year's time it should all be done with.

I'm excited to finally look better/normal, to be honest!

I also am waiting on treatment for my back, which is bent and twisted where it shouldn't be! Yes, this is painful, and yes, it gets in the way of my mobility. It is one of the reasons I halted my studies and I believe it was the right choice because I am happier and healthier than I could ever have been had I stayed at uni.

Happy reading, folks!

Victoria Jane