Hi folks, sorry it's been so long. It's nearly half three in the morning here and I'm tired, but this is when I think.
Hope you all had a good summer/winter (depending where you are). Summer in the UK was unbearably hot for about three weeks, then there was a HUGE thunderstorm with lots of lightning and things sort of reverted to normal.
So, back before Christmas, I was having trouble getting out of moods. I thought it might just be the weather (cold, rain, nastiness). It kind of went away a bit at Christmas because I was pretty busy. We had my cousins and my aunt over for Christmas lunch. As a slight tangent, my uncle died less than a week before Christmas. It was hell, it was a horrible situation, and it was odd. Not odd because he passed away (he was very ill), but odd because I wasn't sad for me at all. I was, and am, sad for my cousin, Tom.
Tom is thirteen. He was twelve, on the cusp of adolescence and about to need the one person who suddenly wasn't there. I've been constantly stressed about his mental and physical state for years (will explain in a moment), but obviously this is a major event for anyone to handle-particularly a child. He was quiet at the funeral. No tears. No facial expressions. Nothing. It's like he's gone. I remember when he was younger and actually had a personality. Imagine knowing someone, and then seeing them and who they are is gone.
So, back on track, the moods stayed for a while and then were forced away by exams and revision. I do this thing where, to deal with stress, I work. So that was dandy.
After exams, however, it kind of crept back. It's been four months since exams now and I seem to be getting further and further into this sort of hole.
I'm not talking about being sad, I'm talking about feeling like there's literally nothing I can do any more. Nothing. I feel like being away at uni, while fun and what I wanted to do for a long time, it isn't what I need to do.
What I need to do is look after Tom. That is what is keeping me alive. All I think about is being able to take him away from my aunt. My aunt, Linda, who feeds him the same food every day, because that's what his brother wants. Makes him do things because his brother wants to. Gives his brother the things we bring especially for him. He is so miserably pale and thin, and weak... and cold. Physically and emotionally, he's like a husk, a shell of a person. Everything revolves around his brother. His brother has autism. I know that's slightly debilitating, but Linda treats Adam like he's this golden boy who does no wrong. He ripped up some of Tom's stuff? "Accident".
On the way to their dad's funeral, Adam wouldn't turn down his TWO leappads. He is eleven. Tom took one off him to turn it down (which was what Linda had requested) and she hit him for it. And told him to behave.
The week before last, she blamed Adam's bad mood on Tom, saying Tom's eczema was to blame. He has eczema because he's constantly stressed and not fed ANY variety.
What I'm trying to say is, I want to save him. I have to. I love him like a brother, almost like a son. And I can't adopt him for another two years at least. I just watch him withering away, inside and out, day in, day out.
And I'm useless. I just watch it. I watch his manipulative brother and his stupid, myopic mother. And I see nobody paying attention to his needs. I see nobody seeing him. I see a boy who, every time he does exercise, he passes out. I see a boy my height but half my weight. I'm not overweight. He looks dead. He literally looks dead.
I'm scared. I'm terrified he's going to die, and he'll just slip away, and Linda will get away with having not looked after him properly. I'm scared I'll be too late to help him! I just cry and cry, every day.
What if I can't get to him in time? What if I can't help? I don't want him to go into care, I want to keep him and see him and know that he's safe, and maybe even happy. There's no light in his eyes. I think he's being killed.
What the hell do I do? Please, if anybody reads this and has suggestions, PLEASE just help me.
That's all for now.
Friday 13 September 2013
Tuesday 28 May 2013
Exams are over... And so to work (I hope)
Hey there everybody,
Sorry for not posting. I was a) busy b) stressed and c) tired (Yes, this is a multiple choice, and yes, you may pick more than one answer).
Exams went quite badly. Thankfully, not all of this was my fault. I'll quickly explain the various problems before we digress onto more fun things!
Firstly, the Legal Method exam, 0930 on May 8th. Opening that exam was like receiving a very hard punch to the chest. We were given a case to pre-read (two weeks in advance) and to use in the exam for quotes and such. The exam being split into two parts, the case featured in all questions in part B. The exam's part A was loosely connected to the case. Part A was five 3mk (three mark) questions.
Part B, which we initially could not start, let alone complete, was a 5mk, a 15mk, and two 20mk questions. A small mercy was the fact that the first three questions could be attached to any case as they asked general things such as what the ratio decidendi (reason for deciding) was, but the last question was completely impossible. Imagine trying to climb Ben Nevis or Everest with no previous experience. You have been training for a competition. Your coach sets you cycling challenges. Now you're faced with a mountain instead and nothing you've learnt can help you. That's how that exam felt.
Also, and of no less (possibly of more) importance, we were told we would get extra time as many of us could not do the questions, and about an hour into the two hour exam we were then told there would be no extra time. Fun fun.
This event has completely rocked our confidence in the exams system at our uni. But! Next!
The second exam
This was Tort. It went quite well. I think it could have gone better but then I tend to miss things out when I get nervous.
The third exam
Public Law (formerly Constitutional and Administrative Law) also went pretty well, though I chose three essay questions and therefore sacrificed my hand (poor thing, it was all seized up at the end). What made this exam better was that it was an afternoon exam (excellent as I'm actually fully awake) and that Mario walked around the room for the first three minutes we were being seated. It was great and it really diffused the tension.
The fourth and final exam
I know I didn't do all that well here, on account of being very tired (exams 2, 3 and 4 were on consecutive days) and generally being too nervous again. Which I despise. Hopefully things will go better next year.
But! Until then, I'm updating my CV today and I'm going to try and get a job so that I can earn some money to help pay rent for next year. That's pretty much all I want to do this summer aside from pre-read for next year (the books arrive on June 14th and I'm looking forward to getting started because I'll be really bored otherwise. This year I have four months' holiday and there's not much else to do besides work to help ease off the stress for next year).
Phew!!
Happy reading, folks.
PS any CV tips would be most appreciated.
Sorry for not posting. I was a) busy b) stressed and c) tired (Yes, this is a multiple choice, and yes, you may pick more than one answer).
Exams went quite badly. Thankfully, not all of this was my fault. I'll quickly explain the various problems before we digress onto more fun things!
Firstly, the Legal Method exam, 0930 on May 8th. Opening that exam was like receiving a very hard punch to the chest. We were given a case to pre-read (two weeks in advance) and to use in the exam for quotes and such. The exam being split into two parts, the case featured in all questions in part B. The exam's part A was loosely connected to the case. Part A was five 3mk (three mark) questions.
Part B, which we initially could not start, let alone complete, was a 5mk, a 15mk, and two 20mk questions. A small mercy was the fact that the first three questions could be attached to any case as they asked general things such as what the ratio decidendi (reason for deciding) was, but the last question was completely impossible. Imagine trying to climb Ben Nevis or Everest with no previous experience. You have been training for a competition. Your coach sets you cycling challenges. Now you're faced with a mountain instead and nothing you've learnt can help you. That's how that exam felt.
Also, and of no less (possibly of more) importance, we were told we would get extra time as many of us could not do the questions, and about an hour into the two hour exam we were then told there would be no extra time. Fun fun.
This event has completely rocked our confidence in the exams system at our uni. But! Next!
The second exam
This was Tort. It went quite well. I think it could have gone better but then I tend to miss things out when I get nervous.
The third exam
Public Law (formerly Constitutional and Administrative Law) also went pretty well, though I chose three essay questions and therefore sacrificed my hand (poor thing, it was all seized up at the end). What made this exam better was that it was an afternoon exam (excellent as I'm actually fully awake) and that Mario walked around the room for the first three minutes we were being seated. It was great and it really diffused the tension.
The fourth and final exam
I know I didn't do all that well here, on account of being very tired (exams 2, 3 and 4 were on consecutive days) and generally being too nervous again. Which I despise. Hopefully things will go better next year.
But! Until then, I'm updating my CV today and I'm going to try and get a job so that I can earn some money to help pay rent for next year. That's pretty much all I want to do this summer aside from pre-read for next year (the books arrive on June 14th and I'm looking forward to getting started because I'll be really bored otherwise. This year I have four months' holiday and there's not much else to do besides work to help ease off the stress for next year).
Phew!!
Happy reading, folks.
PS any CV tips would be most appreciated.
Sunday 21 April 2013
Thoughts... And a story
Yodel-o, folks, I'm sorry it's been such a long time.
I've had all manner of work to be getting on with, including a nice piece of coursework (which took quite a long time and I'm proud of it so no regrets there). I've also finished lectures for the year and am revising at the moment, for around five hours a day, and doing tons of other stuff like sleeping and playing guitar and spending time with others. I only finished the coursework less than two days ago so I'm still feeling the work-shock.
How are you? I hope you're all well and keeping yourselves busy. There's a lot for me to do before exams so I'm not really bored unless I'm ignoring the work I should be doing and in that case it's completely my fault.
Anyway, I had a story for you from WAY BACK WHEN (...Christmas. I have a story from Christmas time).
So, I was in a supermarket feeling pretty hungry. I was looking at the sandwiches and the sushi and this family of three comes in (I'm near the door). I don't notice them until the little boy (probably about eight, best guess) reaches in front of me and grabs a muffin quite hard, squishing it in the packet a bit. I think, 'that's kind of... uncoordinated'.
I then realise he is quite overweight. In fact, all three of these people are overweight. Very noticeably. I am trying to put this nicely.
He puts the muffin down elsewhere on the shelf and grabs a cookie. He turns to his (I assume) mum, and says "can I have this?"
And she doesn't even hesitate at all, she just says, "yeah, you've been good today so you can."
Incoming thoughts- 'look at your child! If he's been so good, reward him with something else, not a cookie. Not a sugary or fatty food or drink at all, actually.'
Quite frankly, the only reward this child needed was a diet. Judging his size he was probably four, maybe four and a half feet tall, and weighed either the same or not much less than me. I'm about nine and a half stone (60.3 kilos-ish).
So then that got me thinking. How we eat is most definitely learnt from the people around us when we are children, at least in part. My mum eats healthily but doesn't eat often. I try to eat regularly but particularly when I'm busy I'll accidentally forego breakfast and lunch in a day. I don't even realise I've forgotten until my stomach starts making these awful rumbles (like an Empty-Bellystorm, tehe).
Surely, if your child has done something right, if you ARE going to reward them with something tangible (which, I'm told, is a bad habit as it leads to materialistic views), better it be something interesting and/or something that promotes health (whether that be mental or physical)...
What are your views on this, though? I'm not sure how strict my parents were compared to others when I was growing up- maximum one fast food meal a week and one or two chocolate bars. All I can remember is that I would think something along the lines of (a more childish version of) "Aw yiss - muthafuckin Twily Whirly Day" on the chocolate bar days. I loved those Twirly Whirlies. They were the greatest thing. Pity I can't eat them any more.
Back to the point. What do you think? If you were/are a parent, what would be your policy or reward of choice? How did your parents reward you? Do you think giving children food when they behave "well" perpetuates bad habits? Views would be greatly appreciated. You can email me at victoriaandthewolf@gmail.com if you've got something to say, or comment below :)
Happy reading folks, and sorry for not posting more often! Life is busy.
PS I'm hoping to do more posts during the summer months, but we'll see how that goes.
Victoria Jane
I've had all manner of work to be getting on with, including a nice piece of coursework (which took quite a long time and I'm proud of it so no regrets there). I've also finished lectures for the year and am revising at the moment, for around five hours a day, and doing tons of other stuff like sleeping and playing guitar and spending time with others. I only finished the coursework less than two days ago so I'm still feeling the work-shock.
How are you? I hope you're all well and keeping yourselves busy. There's a lot for me to do before exams so I'm not really bored unless I'm ignoring the work I should be doing and in that case it's completely my fault.
Anyway, I had a story for you from WAY BACK WHEN (...Christmas. I have a story from Christmas time).
So, I was in a supermarket feeling pretty hungry. I was looking at the sandwiches and the sushi and this family of three comes in (I'm near the door). I don't notice them until the little boy (probably about eight, best guess) reaches in front of me and grabs a muffin quite hard, squishing it in the packet a bit. I think, 'that's kind of... uncoordinated'.
I then realise he is quite overweight. In fact, all three of these people are overweight. Very noticeably. I am trying to put this nicely.
He puts the muffin down elsewhere on the shelf and grabs a cookie. He turns to his (I assume) mum, and says "can I have this?"
And she doesn't even hesitate at all, she just says, "yeah, you've been good today so you can."
Incoming thoughts- 'look at your child! If he's been so good, reward him with something else, not a cookie. Not a sugary or fatty food or drink at all, actually.'
Quite frankly, the only reward this child needed was a diet. Judging his size he was probably four, maybe four and a half feet tall, and weighed either the same or not much less than me. I'm about nine and a half stone (60.3 kilos-ish).
So then that got me thinking. How we eat is most definitely learnt from the people around us when we are children, at least in part. My mum eats healthily but doesn't eat often. I try to eat regularly but particularly when I'm busy I'll accidentally forego breakfast and lunch in a day. I don't even realise I've forgotten until my stomach starts making these awful rumbles (like an Empty-Bellystorm, tehe).
Surely, if your child has done something right, if you ARE going to reward them with something tangible (which, I'm told, is a bad habit as it leads to materialistic views), better it be something interesting and/or something that promotes health (whether that be mental or physical)...
What are your views on this, though? I'm not sure how strict my parents were compared to others when I was growing up- maximum one fast food meal a week and one or two chocolate bars. All I can remember is that I would think something along the lines of (a more childish version of) "Aw yiss - muthafuckin Twily Whirly Day" on the chocolate bar days. I loved those Twirly Whirlies. They were the greatest thing. Pity I can't eat them any more.
Back to the point. What do you think? If you were/are a parent, what would be your policy or reward of choice? How did your parents reward you? Do you think giving children food when they behave "well" perpetuates bad habits? Views would be greatly appreciated. You can email me at victoriaandthewolf@gmail.com if you've got something to say, or comment below :)
Happy reading folks, and sorry for not posting more often! Life is busy.
PS I'm hoping to do more posts during the summer months, but we'll see how that goes.
Victoria Jane
Saturday 23 February 2013
3 Reasons I'm an Awful Person
I've decided that I apologise a lot for a reason. Aside from the fact I'm British (and we're rumoured to do such things as apologise a lot and drink tea), I've been below the expected standard for a while now in terms of my blogging and other areas, though you won't know about those.
So, I apologise. And I mean it. I really do; I never intend to leave such great chasms between posts and it's always with regret that I neglect my schedule. But quite honestly there's a little bit of irony going on here because the more interesting and time-consuming stuff I have going on, the less time I have to write about it. Much the same happens, I assume, with very rich people (the ones who work for their money, anyway).
1) I procrastinate.
Like a professional procrastinator (I swear I'd get a qualification in such a thing if I didn't keep putting it off), I find wonderful ways of avoiding work and other things I need to do. I need to stretch for Taekwondo? Oh, I'm tired. I need to go and get in some cardio? I just ate, I should probably leave it... Oh, it's too late now. Shoot.
I know, I really do, how it can be annoying when someone doesn't write when they've said they would. Honestly I have wanted to. But as a result of procrastination (ongoing to an extent) I have had to do more work recently than I thought possible.
2) I'm highly emotional.
Being overly happy (not often) or sad (much more often) can really get in the way of work. But I'll tell you now, nothing halts my studies like apathy. Recently (if I'm truthful it's ever since I came back after Christmas) I've been feeling probably 80% at best, and I'm tired even when I get enough sleep. I miss my mum and Patrick, I miss my hometown, I miss having a little more freedom and mostly I want to be earning money.
While I'm at university, earning money through a part-time job seems impossible. I'm exhausted when I get in from lectures and seminars and by the end of the day I really just want to have a shower and relax.
Even though I'm studying, I feel like I'm not in the right place.
3) I may well have made the wrong choice in coming to university.
This was actually going to be a blogpost of its own at one point a little while back. I honestly cannot see myself being happy here for the next two and a half years. I feel as though I'm walking away from work for now and I feel like that might well be a bad thing.
I also feel like I'm completely ungrateful considering I've worked towards this my whole life and now I'm not happy here. My place could easily have gone to someone else who deserved it more and who wanted it and would have enjoyed it more than I would have. This is extremely upsetting in terms of the repercussions of having such thoughts. Not only do I feel lost as to what to do, but I'm now weighing up the two options I have.
Stay at university
So, I apologise. And I mean it. I really do; I never intend to leave such great chasms between posts and it's always with regret that I neglect my schedule. But quite honestly there's a little bit of irony going on here because the more interesting and time-consuming stuff I have going on, the less time I have to write about it. Much the same happens, I assume, with very rich people (the ones who work for their money, anyway).
1) I procrastinate.
Like a professional procrastinator (I swear I'd get a qualification in such a thing if I didn't keep putting it off), I find wonderful ways of avoiding work and other things I need to do. I need to stretch for Taekwondo? Oh, I'm tired. I need to go and get in some cardio? I just ate, I should probably leave it... Oh, it's too late now. Shoot.
I know, I really do, how it can be annoying when someone doesn't write when they've said they would. Honestly I have wanted to. But as a result of procrastination (ongoing to an extent) I have had to do more work recently than I thought possible.
2) I'm highly emotional.
Being overly happy (not often) or sad (much more often) can really get in the way of work. But I'll tell you now, nothing halts my studies like apathy. Recently (if I'm truthful it's ever since I came back after Christmas) I've been feeling probably 80% at best, and I'm tired even when I get enough sleep. I miss my mum and Patrick, I miss my hometown, I miss having a little more freedom and mostly I want to be earning money.
While I'm at university, earning money through a part-time job seems impossible. I'm exhausted when I get in from lectures and seminars and by the end of the day I really just want to have a shower and relax.
Even though I'm studying, I feel like I'm not in the right place.
3) I may well have made the wrong choice in coming to university.
This was actually going to be a blogpost of its own at one point a little while back. I honestly cannot see myself being happy here for the next two and a half years. I feel as though I'm walking away from work for now and I feel like that might well be a bad thing.
I also feel like I'm completely ungrateful considering I've worked towards this my whole life and now I'm not happy here. My place could easily have gone to someone else who deserved it more and who wanted it and would have enjoyed it more than I would have. This is extremely upsetting in terms of the repercussions of having such thoughts. Not only do I feel lost as to what to do, but I'm now weighing up the two options I have.
Stay at university
- Worked hard to get here
- money already invested is in thousands
- waste of a year if I quit
- Risk disappointing my family
- May not be able to get a job if I leave
- Throwing away opportunity
- I don't want to leave my Taekwondo club
- I like the city
- The studies and semesters are just about bearable
Do something else
- I'm likely to be much happier
- I can start saving money to help send my cousin to university if he wants to go
- I'll feel less alone
- More work experience, possibly in something interesting and useful
- Cuts my losses (uni costs about £20,000/year including tuition, food and accommodation)
- I constantly feel out of place, like I should really be somewhere else
- I like being at home
- I want to do what I want to do, not what I think is expected of me
...Bearing in mind that I don't just count the points on either side but also the weight of each. For example, I may waste a year if I quit but I may be wasting time being here and being unhappy when I could find work and start saving.
To be honest, when I thought I'd failed my exams I really wasn't all that bothered because part of me really wanted to get a job instead of going to university and now that can't happen unless I quit because I don't have the time or the energy to do both. The main problem comes from the possibility that if I quit I'll be limiting my opportunities to almost definitely less than they would be were I to stay and finish the degree. I really need to choose by June or July so I can make preparations and such.
Any thoughts would be welcome. Email me or comment. victoriaandthewolf@gmail.com
P.S my one true respite is reading still! I'm reading Jilly Cooper's series, the Rutshire Chronicles (begins with "Riders", fantastic book).
Happy Reading, folks!
Victoria Jane
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