So, I apologise. And I mean it. I really do; I never intend to leave such great chasms between posts and it's always with regret that I neglect my schedule. But quite honestly there's a little bit of irony going on here because the more interesting and time-consuming stuff I have going on, the less time I have to write about it. Much the same happens, I assume, with very rich people (the ones who work for their money, anyway).
1) I procrastinate.
Like a professional procrastinator (I swear I'd get a qualification in such a thing if I didn't keep putting it off), I find wonderful ways of avoiding work and other things I need to do. I need to stretch for Taekwondo? Oh, I'm tired. I need to go and get in some cardio? I just ate, I should probably leave it... Oh, it's too late now. Shoot.
I know, I really do, how it can be annoying when someone doesn't write when they've said they would. Honestly I have wanted to. But as a result of procrastination (ongoing to an extent) I have had to do more work recently than I thought possible.
2) I'm highly emotional.
Being overly happy (not often) or sad (much more often) can really get in the way of work. But I'll tell you now, nothing halts my studies like apathy. Recently (if I'm truthful it's ever since I came back after Christmas) I've been feeling probably 80% at best, and I'm tired even when I get enough sleep. I miss my mum and Patrick, I miss my hometown, I miss having a little more freedom and mostly I want to be earning money.
While I'm at university, earning money through a part-time job seems impossible. I'm exhausted when I get in from lectures and seminars and by the end of the day I really just want to have a shower and relax.
Even though I'm studying, I feel like I'm not in the right place.
3) I may well have made the wrong choice in coming to university.
This was actually going to be a blogpost of its own at one point a little while back. I honestly cannot see myself being happy here for the next two and a half years. I feel as though I'm walking away from work for now and I feel like that might well be a bad thing.
I also feel like I'm completely ungrateful considering I've worked towards this my whole life and now I'm not happy here. My place could easily have gone to someone else who deserved it more and who wanted it and would have enjoyed it more than I would have. This is extremely upsetting in terms of the repercussions of having such thoughts. Not only do I feel lost as to what to do, but I'm now weighing up the two options I have.
Stay at university
- Worked hard to get here
- money already invested is in thousands
- waste of a year if I quit
- Risk disappointing my family
- May not be able to get a job if I leave
- Throwing away opportunity
- I don't want to leave my Taekwondo club
- I like the city
- The studies and semesters are just about bearable
Do something else
- I'm likely to be much happier
- I can start saving money to help send my cousin to university if he wants to go
- I'll feel less alone
- More work experience, possibly in something interesting and useful
- Cuts my losses (uni costs about £20,000/year including tuition, food and accommodation)
- I constantly feel out of place, like I should really be somewhere else
- I like being at home
- I want to do what I want to do, not what I think is expected of me
...Bearing in mind that I don't just count the points on either side but also the weight of each. For example, I may waste a year if I quit but I may be wasting time being here and being unhappy when I could find work and start saving.
To be honest, when I thought I'd failed my exams I really wasn't all that bothered because part of me really wanted to get a job instead of going to university and now that can't happen unless I quit because I don't have the time or the energy to do both. The main problem comes from the possibility that if I quit I'll be limiting my opportunities to almost definitely less than they would be were I to stay and finish the degree. I really need to choose by June or July so I can make preparations and such.
Any thoughts would be welcome. Email me or comment. victoriaandthewolf@gmail.com
P.S my one true respite is reading still! I'm reading Jilly Cooper's series, the Rutshire Chronicles (begins with "Riders", fantastic book).
Happy Reading, folks!
Victoria Jane
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