Hi folks, sorry it's been so long. It's nearly half three in the morning here and I'm tired, but this is when I think.
Hope you all had a good summer/winter (depending where you are). Summer in the UK was unbearably hot for about three weeks, then there was a HUGE thunderstorm with lots of lightning and things sort of reverted to normal.
So, back before Christmas, I was having trouble getting out of moods. I thought it might just be the weather (cold, rain, nastiness). It kind of went away a bit at Christmas because I was pretty busy. We had my cousins and my aunt over for Christmas lunch. As a slight tangent, my uncle died less than a week before Christmas. It was hell, it was a horrible situation, and it was odd. Not odd because he passed away (he was very ill), but odd because I wasn't sad for me at all. I was, and am, sad for my cousin, Tom.
Tom is thirteen. He was twelve, on the cusp of adolescence and about to need the one person who suddenly wasn't there. I've been constantly stressed about his mental and physical state for years (will explain in a moment), but obviously this is a major event for anyone to handle-particularly a child. He was quiet at the funeral. No tears. No facial expressions. Nothing. It's like he's gone. I remember when he was younger and actually had a personality. Imagine knowing someone, and then seeing them and who they are is gone.
So, back on track, the moods stayed for a while and then were forced away by exams and revision. I do this thing where, to deal with stress, I work. So that was dandy.
After exams, however, it kind of crept back. It's been four months since exams now and I seem to be getting further and further into this sort of hole.
I'm not talking about being sad, I'm talking about feeling like there's literally nothing I can do any more. Nothing. I feel like being away at uni, while fun and what I wanted to do for a long time, it isn't what I need to do.
What I need to do is look after Tom. That is what is keeping me alive. All I think about is being able to take him away from my aunt. My aunt, Linda, who feeds him the same food every day, because that's what his brother wants. Makes him do things because his brother wants to. Gives his brother the things we bring especially for him. He is so miserably pale and thin, and weak... and cold. Physically and emotionally, he's like a husk, a shell of a person. Everything revolves around his brother. His brother has autism. I know that's slightly debilitating, but Linda treats Adam like he's this golden boy who does no wrong. He ripped up some of Tom's stuff? "Accident".
On the way to their dad's funeral, Adam wouldn't turn down his TWO leappads. He is eleven. Tom took one off him to turn it down (which was what Linda had requested) and she hit him for it. And told him to behave.
The week before last, she blamed Adam's bad mood on Tom, saying Tom's eczema was to blame. He has eczema because he's constantly stressed and not fed ANY variety.
What I'm trying to say is, I want to save him. I have to. I love him like a brother, almost like a son. And I can't adopt him for another two years at least. I just watch him withering away, inside and out, day in, day out.
And I'm useless. I just watch it. I watch his manipulative brother and his stupid, myopic mother. And I see nobody paying attention to his needs. I see nobody seeing him. I see a boy who, every time he does exercise, he passes out. I see a boy my height but half my weight. I'm not overweight. He looks dead. He literally looks dead.
I'm scared. I'm terrified he's going to die, and he'll just slip away, and Linda will get away with having not looked after him properly. I'm scared I'll be too late to help him! I just cry and cry, every day.
What if I can't get to him in time? What if I can't help? I don't want him to go into care, I want to keep him and see him and know that he's safe, and maybe even happy. There's no light in his eyes. I think he's being killed.
What the hell do I do? Please, if anybody reads this and has suggestions, PLEASE just help me.
That's all for now.
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I'm sorry, Īhāvṛka[1], I really am. This is not going to be easy to write, or to read.
ReplyDeleteThou canstn't afford to pour thyself into this. Seriously. Yes, somebody needs to look out for Tom. But it will not be good for thee to allow that to consume thy life, Īhāvṛka. It won't.
Do what thou canst. Absolutely, do what thou canst. Talk to people *in* the family about it. Hell, if it's necessary to alert relevant authorities to the neglect of a child, do it. But do not make it thy burden alone. Please. Th'art my friend, and as such I care about thee. I don't want to see thee fall apart over this.
What th'art describing isn't good for Adam, either. Speaking as a probable-Aspie (preliminary diagnosis only...), and therefore someone with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder, I've been doing my research. This is one of the two ways in which people can handle raising an autistic child very, very poorly. The other, which is even worse, is to treat them as if they aren't human; to lament how hard it is for the family while ignoring the challenges of the child, but avoiding that **does not make it OK** to take things in the opposite direction - rather than treating the child as though any behaviour not "normal" is wrong, to act as though everything they do is good. It won't prepare them for the world. An autistic child still needs to learn the things an allistic one would, and that includes boundaries, and the idea that not everything is someone else's fault. While this might seem like a problem - putting the focus even more firmly on Adam, rather than Tom (who needs it) - it might be the way to start a conversation the outcome of which could help Tom. This conversation need not be with thy aunt. Perhaps someone who could influence her.
I'm sorry. I don't have much advice to give on how to resolve this. But I know - I *know* - that thou mustn't try to do this alone.
*Hugs*
D
[1] Sanskrit, if th'art interested.